Offering Support

A cancer diagnosis is life-changing, a small moment from which unspools a web of change, fears, treatments and more. It can be painful to watch someone you love face that turbulence. And because so much of it might feel out of your control, it’s often challenging to know how to best offer support.

“There were people who didn’t know what to say or how to help,” remembers Juan Namnun, a Philadelphia high school teacher and breast cancer survivor. Because of his position as a leader, coach and father, needing help ran counter to Namnun’s self-image and how he’s impacted others. But that didn’t change the fact that he needed support—and the nuances of his specific journey meant that the support most meaningful to Juan might be different from that of others.   

It can be a delicate process to funnel the urge to support the cancer-fighters in your life into the channels that will be helpful. According to Dianne Hyman, MSN, RN, OCN, a transition care manager at MD Anderson Cancer Center at Cooper, it’s through sensitivity to the particularities of a patient’s journey that loved ones can best support them. To show up for the people you love as they battle cancer, here are three ways to offer support.

Educate yourself on treatments and resources

A patient’s lifestyle, age, prognosis and other factors contribute to their treatment course, so it’s important to educate yourself on your loved one’s case. Asking questions and doing your research empowers you not only to speak mindfully and honestly, but also to advocate for their care and point them to resources. “Education on the treatment course is extremely helpful for both the individual and anyone walking the journey with them,” Hyman says.

To get that education, ACS offers multiple programs and resources for both patients and their caregivers. Having a guide, like the ACS Cares app, which shows curated content for your loved one’s cancer journey, can help you understand what support your loved one needs and equip you to offer it. While that might come from a good place, some patients are what she calls “forever-fighters,” meaning they’ll be in treatment for the rest of their lives. Those patients require a level of support that’s different from someone who could soon be cancer-free.

Plus, having a comprehensive and accurate understanding of your loved one’s cancer helps you suggest support groups and community and national resources that are relevant for them.

Don’t wait to be asked for help

When Miriam Otero, a breast cancer survivor, underwent treatment, she didn’t ask for help from her community. But whether it was her sister staying over, friends driving her to appointments, or her church community providing weeks of meals, the people in Otero’s life showed up to handle the logistics. “I didn’t know how much I needed them, and they didn’t give me an option,” Otero says.

Namnun’s loved ones, too, showed up. They helped him preserve a sense of identity outside of treatment with thoughtful gestures that he didn’t have to ask for. For example, after his mastectomy, he couldn’t get shirts over his head, so all he could wear were button-downs with long sleeves—a style that wasn’t his own and didn’t feel comfortable in the summer. That’s when his wife bought t-shirts, cut them open and sewed buttons on.

“She saw that it would help me feel normal again, and I hadn’t even thought of it,” explains Namnun. “Something that small was huge for me.”

Ultimately, while the specific expressions of support were different for Otero and Namnun, the takeaway is the same. When they were preoccupied with their own emotions and treatments, loved ones stepped up to ensure they’d feel cared for on a personal level. “That’s the important lesson in all of this: Don’t wait for someone to tell you they’re in need. Go and help,” Otero says.

Be a listening ear

It can be difficult for a patient to admit their vulnerability, especially if they feel they’ll be met with canned positivity or a lack of understanding.That’s why leading with an ear to listen, rather than jumping to generalized tokens of advice, can enable your loved ones to feel safe opening up. On the ACS website, cancer information specialists are available 24/7 for questions that might be helpful in talking to your loved one. It’s natural not to know all the answers—it’s the effort that counts. “It’s about listening,” Hyman says. “And allowing them the space to grieve.”