We Split the Cost of the Engagement Ring—and Have No Regrets

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Last week, when Philadelphia Wedding asked if splitting the cost of an engagement ring is becoming a thing, I knew I would have to write for the defense when I started to see responses like “Maybe I’ll just marry myself!” and “What is happening to manhood?” {Ed. Note: Jack is one of our digital editors here at Philly mag, and therefore saw each and every one of the Facebook comments that story brought in.}

Be Well Philly editor Emily Leaman said “It cheapens the proposal—both literally and figuratively,” and Philadelphia Wedding editor Carrie Denny agreed that the woman splitting the cost seemed to take something away from it. But ladies, I am here to tell you that it can be done—and that it’s time to get comfortable with it.

To set the scene: I had been dating Emma for over five years, we lived together, and we’d talked about shopping for a ring together. But it was still a nice little surprise  when I suggested we actually go do it.

Of course I wanted her there with me: There are so many decisions to make, from cut to shape to color, and I didn’t want to inflict my bad sense of style on something that so many of our friends and family would focus in on for the next year. An engagement ring isn’t something that can be returned easily and unemotionally. Why not give her the chance to pick out exactly what she wants?

We went to four different jewelers to look at diamonds and bands before we found “the one.” Emma knew how much the jeweler was asking for the ring she wanted, and she also knew how much money I had in the bank. When she asked if it was OK with me if she paid for a portion of the ring, I agreed to take her donation, and I didn’t feel weird about it. She already pays more towards rent because she makes more money than I do (thanks, liberal arts education!). We didn’t split it right down the middle; I still paid for a larger proportion of the ring, so I felt like I’d done my manly duty, but I also knew that because of this arrangement, she was getting something she would always love wearing.

“But what about the surprise?” you ask? No, I didn’t get down on one knee in the jewelry store. After we picked out the ring, she wrote me a check and I cashed it immediately. Then I went back and dropped off a deposit at the store every week on my way home from work. She didn’t know when I had paid it off or when it was coming. So when I snuck her friends and family­­­ into Philly one night in August and proposed, she had no idea, and everything was perfect. I would not have changed a thing, and neither would she.

Isn’t the point of the ring that it is one of the only tangible symbols we have of the commitment to spend your life with one person? Take your time and get something that you will want to keep forever, so you can always look at it and remember being young and in love. There are only a few moments in life where you and your partner suddenly realize how bright your future is. Finding the ring together is one extra time that we got to have that feeling. We shared the cost of the ring just like we share everything else in our lives. We know we’re stronger when we face things together, and that’s what’s really important.

So start getting used to the idea of sharing the cost of an engagement ring. More young adults graduate from college to take unpaid internships and face years of debt. More employers are paying women as much as men. More couples live together before getting married. And the result of our shared experience is that we’re more open to communicate with each other about subjects ranging from our finances to our hopes and dreams for the future.

I don’t think it’s the end of manhood at all. I think it’s progress.

RELATED: Is Splitting the Cost of the Engagement Ring Becoming a Thing? 

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