I’ve Lived in Kensington for Years. Here’s My Review of Long Bright River

An image from Long Bright River, the new set-in-Kensington Peacock series that longtime Kensington resident Tim McCloskey reviews here. (Image courtesy Peacock)

“I grew up here. Went to elementary school here. So did a lot of the girls working the avenue.” So begins the trailer for Long Bright River, an adaption of the critically-acclaimed novel by South Philly writer Liz Moore. The show, which just debuted on Peacock, is set in the gritty streets of Kensington, the “avenue” being Kensington Avenue.

The acting is quite good. Amanda Seyfried is charming as Mickey, a cop who grew up in Kensington and is now back patrolling the streets. But that’s about it.

The series is just too long and moves too slow. It’s like so many “limited series” these days. When you get to the end of it, you’re trying to figure out why the hell they needed eight hours to get through what they just got through. And, at least in this case, they clearly didn’t. Long Bright River would have been much better served by a 90-minute – OK, maybe two-hour — film treatment.

The dialogue? Choppy and not at all compelling. I could write an entire essay on how wrong and overwhelming the soundtrack is for the show. And, as someone whose family has been in Kensington continuously since the 1870s and as someone who bought my house here ten years ago, I’m here to tell you: the neighborhood in Long Bright River does not look like Kensington. It looks like it’s in New York. Oh, could that be because they filmed the entire thing in New York? Ugh.

Naturally, because this series is supposed to take place in Philadelphia, we need to talk about the Philadelphia accents, or lack thereof. If Aussie Toni Collette could pull off a Philly accent in The Sixth Sense and if Brit James McAvoy could manage one when he hosted Saturday Night Live and if fellow Brit Kate Winslet nailed a Philly (OK, Delco) accent in Mare of Easttown, why can’t Amanda Seyfried even attempt one? Isn’t she from Allentown?

Then there are the demographics presented in Long Bright River. Kensington is an incredibly diverse section of Philadelphia. It’s majority Latino, just shy of 20 percent Black, and the rest a smattering of people of Asian descent and a smattering of white people.

Unfortunately, the casting in Long Bright River simply lacks diversity. Most of the sex workers, users, drug dealers, residents, cops, and local business owners seem to be white Irish Catholic. It’s just inconceivable. Kensington in Long Bright River looks more like Mayberry, or South Boston circa 1974. It’s almost as if there are fewer people of color on screen than in the first five seasons of Friends. I didn’t find one second of salsa, bachata or reggaeton being blasted from car stereos or porch speakers. The Kensington of Long Bright River is an alternate universe for anyone who has spent time here.

The writers try to inject multiple Philly references into the dialogue to ramp up the authenticity. Yuengling (which really isn’t considered a Philly beer anymore), Wawa (which now has more stores in Florida than it does in Pennsylvania), Tastykakes (which are no longer made here), and “jitbags” all get shout-outs. But it just doesn’t help. At one point, Mickey slams a shot and a beer and declares, “I grew up in a Mummers club drinking citywide specials!”

I’m pretty sure she didn’t. Maybe, just maybe, if you’re in Cleveland or Des Moines you could somehow find Long Bright River to be a worthwhile way to lose eight hours of your life. But no bona fide Philadelphian possibly could.

If my Long Bright River review hasn’t deterred you, all episodes are available on Peacock now.

You can follow author Tim McCloskey on X at @timmmccloskey.