The Most (and Least) Boring Super Bowl Things, Ranked

Clockwise from top left: Eagles fans light fires in the streets of Philadelphia after the Eagles won; Tom Brady at the Super Bowl; Taylor Swift at the Super Bowl; and Kendrick Lamar performing at halftime (photos via Getty Images)

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The Most (and Least) Boring Things About the Super Bowl, Ranked

6. Philadelphia After the Super Bowl

Like the most boring “winner,” (see #1 below), it should come as no surprise that we the people of Philadelphia were the least boring thing about the Super Bowl. We came, we saw, we climbed poles, we stood on top of garbage trucks, we set blazes in the street, we fired Roman candles and bottle rockets all over the place, and, yes, we dangerously shot our guns into the air. Anything but boring. And that was just the beginning. Batten down the hatches for this Friday’s parade. Cue the insanity.

5. The Super Bowl Music

Kendrick Lamar has got to be laughing his ass off this morning, realizing that more people are talking about his halftime performance with SZA, Mustard, and Samuel L. Jackson than anything else. (OK, I have to admit, my son had to ID Mustard for me.) On the one side, you’ve got people claiming it was the worst Super Bowl halftime performance ever. On the other side, you’ve got people claiming that all the haters just don’t get it, that this was a genius level of social commentary and performance art.

I tend to agree with the latter, but, and this is a big but, the medium of the halftime show just made it incredibly difficult to communicate the plot and message of that performance. There was a lot going on and yet few visually “wow” moments, i.e. it’s a lot easier to impress the plebs if you fly a pregnant Rihanna in the air. (Not taking anything way from Rihanna: amazing halftime show.) Anyway, your halftime show is by definition not boring if everybody and their grandmother is talking about it.

And let us not forget “America the Beautiful” performed by Lauren Daigle and Trombone Shorty. And, wow, Jon Batiste continues to amaze, as he did with the National Anthem. Oh, and Lady Gaga’s beautiful pre-game tribute. She’s a stunner.

4. Celeb-Watching at the Super Bowl

As usual, there were a ridiculous number of celebrities at the game. Naturally, we had our Taylor Swift moment. I only counted one. Were there more? I guess when your guy is barely doing a thing for his team and when said team is playing so poorly, you don’t want your face on camera. Anybody know if she actually stayed for the end of the game? I would have bolted after the third quarter. Ain’t no ring on that finger.

Of course, we got the President of the United States, briefly. Had no idea he was the first president to ever attend a Super Bowl. Looked miserable. Left early. No, not with Taylor. Then there was Kevin Costner, Pete Davidson, Adam Sandler, Bradley Cooper, Master P, Ice Spice, Serena Williams. I didn’t see her, but I heard Philly’s own Da’Vine Joy Randolph was there. Same with Jay-Z and Beyonce.

3. The Super Bowl Ads

The golden age of Super Bowl ads is clearly gone. I’m sorry to Seal that he had to stoop to the level of becoming a, well, seal for… well, I don’t even remember the company. “Kiss from a Rose” residuals drying up pal? Just how much did Heidi take in the divorce? In other Super Bowl ad news, what was the thing about the water delivery? Huh? There’s this thing called a spigot. And I wish I coulda been in the meeting where some ad exec said, “We really need to do something gross with tongues.” Again, don’t remember the company name. Also, you gotta love how the fundamentalist evangelicals try to suck you in with Johnny Cash performing Depeche Mode. Nope! Not clicking on that link. Speaking of not clicking on links, Yeezy?

2. Tom Brady at the Super Bowl

The guy people either love or hate. I’ve never had many strong opinions about him until seeing him squirm during that Netflix roast. (All hail Nikki Glaser.) But as a Super Bowl host/commentator/whatever you call it, he just had boring written all over him, wore way too much makeup, and was just not the guy for the job. This is an occasion that calls for a Jason Kelce, not a Tom Brady. Make a note for Super Bowl LX, TV and NFL execs.

1. The Super Bowl Game Itself

This should be obvious. I’m elated that the Eagles won, of course. But, c’mon. That had to be among the most boring Super Bowl games ever, a point that one of my friends I was watching it with kept making. I eventually had to tell him to stop. It was a little like sitting in the movie theater to see Timothée Chalamet devastate the Willy Wonka legacy. You realize five minutes into it that the movie is going to suck. And your date just keeps telling you how much it sucks, even though you’ve paid your $50 and have fully committed. Eventually, you just have to glare at them in such a way that they stop talking.

This Super Bowl game brought back memories of going to see Friday Night Fights at the Blue Horizon in North Philadelphia, and the crowd would break out into these massive “BOR-ING” chants when the boxing matches weren’t competitive, or when one boxer just seemed to give up. Then they’d start throwing stuff at the ring. The last time we won this, the Patriots made for much more entertaining (and less boring) opponents.

By the Numbers: Super Bowl Edition, Naturally

The $6.95 post-Super Bowl edition of Philadelphia’s Daily News newspaper

$6.95: What you’ll pay for Monday’s edition of the Daily News after the paper goes for a major cash grab in the wake of the Super Bowl win. No, I’m not kidding:

Sure, sure, it will be a collector’s item one day. Yeah. Buy 20.

$1.1 million: What someone in Las Vegas bet on the Eagles in the Super Bowl, the largest Super Bowl bet this year that we know of. That person is very happy today.

3 to 4 inches: Current snowfall prediction for Philadelphia this Wednesday, depending on what weather forecaster you believe. That and the possibility for rain on Thursday have reportedly factored into the decision to have the Eagles Super Bowl parade on Friday as opposed to midweek.

Reader Mail

Last week, I unleashed a monster when I revealed that the assistant superintendent of a South Jersey school district had banned teachers from wearing Eagles gear to school in advance of the Super Bowl. Shortly after I published my article, the assistant superintendent seemed to backtrack a bit, telling me that she’d let teachers wear Eagles gear on Friday only. But then, some teachers told me that they were told that they could only wear white and green, not Eagles gear. What a stupid controversy that never needed to exist in the first place.

I’ve gotten so, so, so, so many emails and DMs from parents and teachers of the schools in that district, and it’s fair to say that they these folks are not fans of the administration in general. This email from one school staffer (who asked to remain nameless) pretty much sums it up: “Thank you soooo much for covering this story! You do not know how much I, and our teachers, appreciate it. This administration has run the district like tyrants and dictators for so long. Now our little voices are being heard!”

The assistant superintendent hasn’t responded to my subsequent requests for comment. She better let those teachers wear whatever Eagles gear they want this week… or perhaps consider a new job. Something where the whole point of your existence is to suck joy out of the world.