Bensalem Police Capture Runaway Pig, Give It Incredibly Lame Nickname

Porky the runaway pig, captured. / Photograph via Bensalem Township Police

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Bensalem Police Capture Runaway Pig, Give It Incredibly Lame Nickname

After almost two months of sightings and near misses, police in Bensalem have finally captured the runaway pig that had been eluding them. The arresting officers specifically requested “no pig-cop jokes!” I’ll honor that because I’ve got bigger [not a pork reference] to fry right now.

Assuming they don’t end in tragedy, runaway animal stories are wonderful. Man vs. beast. Wild nature vs. the so-called civilized world. People posting blurry photos. Humorous footage of cops trying to wrangle horses or sneak up on peacocks. Love it.

Sadly, however, the cops in this particular story chose to call this pig “Porky.”

That is such a depressingly boring name for an outlaw pig. Other groups allegedly called him “Oscar” and “Buddy.” A little more respectable, but still a snooze.

We should be having fun with this people. It’s a little piggy! Running around! Snorting, probably!

Now. A quick search tells me fugitive pig stories have happened before and they will happen again — around here and across the country. Where are all these pigs coming from? No idea. But the next time, we’ll be ready. Here are some suggested names for the next fugitive pig:

• Ira Swinehorn
• El Chop O
• Scrappillon
• Jon’s Lost Pork
• Sooey G. Mangione

Anyway, Porky (sigh) is currently being rehabilitated by a veterinarian and is expected to be put up for adoption. If you want to adopt him you better come correct with your puns.

Porky the runaway pig, captured. / Photograph via Bensalem Township Police

P.S. Nobody used the headline “Boar to Run.” I miss the Daily News in moments like these.

P.P.S.: Should we start naming the Kensington chickens?

P.P.S.: I don’t know. The news mostly sucks and it’s almost Christmas, so I thought hey, lemme write some fun things about a pig. Philly Mag’s iron-fisted interim despot Bradford Pearson won’t let me write about drones anymore, even though he knows I think drone stories are funny and cool. The cover-up goes all the way to the top of the masthead.

By The Numbers

50,000: Approximate number of undocumented immigrants living in Philadelphia. According to an article by Temple Law professor Jennifer J. Lee, our status as a “sanctuary city” won’t be much help if Trump goes through with his plans for mass deportations — especially if Mayor Parker doesn’t step up.

1906:  The year Calvary United Methodist Church in West Philly was built. Now the home base for performances, community orgs, and a 75-member congregation, the building was granted “historic designation” against the wishes of its current owners.

Three buffalo: Last night, Philly-born Grammy-winning R&B trio Boyz II Men took top honors on the Masked Singer singing competition show — the first group to do so. By the time Shawn Stockman, Wanya Morris, and Nathan Morris removed their sad-eyed buffalo masks, many had already speculated it was them. Listen to their powerhouse version of Gotye’s “Somebody That I Used to Know” and tell me who else it could’ve been.

Two bombings:  Besides the sweet ribs and cozy charm, South Philly restaurant Bomb Bomb is best known for somebody trying to blow the building up twice in the 1930s. This week owners Debbie and Frank Barbato announced they were ready to retire, which likely spells the end for the Wolf Street eatery whose signage out front boasts a menu full of barbecue, seafood and Italian food.

50 stitches:  That’s the damage — along with emergency brain surgery — suffered by Philly music/art/wrestling scene fixture Jim “GrimGrimGrim” Anderson during a stage-dive gone wrong at a metal show at Underground Arts recently. Based on his FB posts, he’s in good spirits, all things considered. But GGG and his scarred, sweet-’stached self will be out of work for a while. Here’s his GoFundMe.

David Green III:  That’s the name of the USPS driver/Eagles fan who went viral for trash-talking the Steelers with while making a delivery this past weekend.

Two thieves:  In other Ring Cam Cinema news, a pair of porch pirates returned the (damaged) items they stole from a South Jersey doorstep. This time the masked suspects complained into the very same doorbell camera about the owner posting the first video in which they taunted the residents and shook their butts.

10th Season:  OWN’s Ready to Love — a reality-dating show for “sexy, single and grown Black men and women” — says Philly will be the setting for its tenth season, starting debut February 7th. Unlike other shows of its kind, RTL prides itself in giving its participants the chance for a real connection, resulting in multiple weddings and babies.

18 years:  That’s how long Scranton’s Bob Casey was in the U.S. Senate before being toppled by Steelers fan and alleged Pennsylvania resident Dave McCormick in November. Said Casey in his farewell speech: “Serving in the U.S. Senate has been the honor of a lifetime. I yield the floor.”

December 31st:  That’s the deadline looming for Philadelphia Skating Club and Humane Society — an Ardmore-based organization that has nothing to do with pet adoption. The distinctly non-hockey club (founded in 1849) and its aging non-hockey rink (opened in 1938) needs $2.2 million for repairs to avoid an inhumane fate. The PSCHS is the first and oldest club of its kind in the United States, and it can trace it origins back to the Royal Humane Society of London — a “society for the recovery of persons apparently drowned.” The past had no chill.