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Punxsutawney Phil Is Hiding a Weird, Dark Secret

Revelations of groundhog progeny lead to questions about the strange misogyny within the mythology.

By and ·

You’re telling me this immortal psychic groundhog is married? / Photograph via Getty Images

Yesterday, the Punxsutawney Groundhog Club announced that much to their surprise, Punxsutawney Phil and his wife welcomed two baby groundhogs into the world.

And I think I speak for everyone when I say his wife?!

Yep. According to the official lore, the number one most famous groundhog in Pennsylvania is married. To another groundhog, thank the Lord. Though this was not alluded to in Groundhog Day, Punxsutawney Phyllis (sometime spelled Phylliss on the official site, groundhog.org) has been in the picture for a while. I found a reference to her in several newspaper articles from the 1970s.

The pair live together in a publicly displayed enclosure at the town’s library, though a larger habitat is in the works to make room for the little ones.

But okay. Punxsutawney Phil is married, that’s fine. And he has sex, good for him. And now he’s a dad, congrats all around.

All of this information seems pretty natural for a groundhog, and maybe even a little tame for an immortal rodent folk hero who has been making vague weather predictions for 138 winters in a row. The keepers of the groundhog and its lore can make up whatever mythology they see fit. For example, take this little nugget from the official FAQ:

How many “Phils” have there been over the years?

There has only been one Punxsutawney Phil. He has been making predictions since 1886! Punxsutawney Phil gets his longevity from drinking the ‘elixir of life,’ a secret recipe. Phil takes one sip every summer at the Groundhog Picnic and it magically gives him seven more years of life.

I mean — sure. There’s only been one Phil. And it’s because he drinks this “elixir of life.” Feels a little sci-fi and explainy, like when George Lucas added that bit about midi-chlorians. But it’s your show. Let’s read some more of that FAQ:

Does Phil have a wife?

Yes, her name is Phylis. She doesn’t receive the Elixir of Life so she will not live forever like Phil.

I’m sorry, what?

Phil doesn’t share the elixir? Why doesn’t Phil share the elixir? Will he just sit there watching the people he loves grow old and die? Does he go cruising for new wives when the current model kicks the bucket? That’s sick. How many old, cold Phyllises have been hot-swapped with young fresh living ones in the middle of the night? (And how did this groundhog story get so gross? Is it my fault?)

Like I said, Groundhog Club: It’s your show. You can write and rewrite the mythology as you see fit.

But since it’s all fiction anyway, why not take out this one obscure, tragic and curiously misogynist aspect of the Groundhog Day story? Phil needs to start sharing the elixir.

By The Numbers

$90,000 The total budget for Delco: The Movie, the independent, crowd-funded flick now filming in Delco, and starring an abundance of Brians: Brian Anthony Wilson (The Wire, The Postman), Brian Dunkleman (American Idol) and Brian O’Halloran (the Clerks movies, The Happening). If you want to see Dante Hicks in a priest outfit, check out this Inky piece from the set.

28 The number of projects listed as “upcoming” for aforementioned Philly actor Brian Anthony Wilson on the IMDB.

4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 The winning numbers from last night’s gigantic Powerball drawing. JK. Remember Lost? Here are the real numbers, but you didn’t win. That’s okay. I didn’t win, either, which is why I’m slumped over my laptop writing 15-year-old Lost references instead of planning a vacation to the moon.

$25,000 Jackpot won by Delco resident Josline Boyle on a game show called Password last night. I wonder if she’d like to invest in a certain independent film. I bet with $25K they could score a Jason Mewes cameo.

48 Number of “heritage trees” that will be chopped down if that FDR renovation plan is allowed to proceed (which it may not).  According to the zoning code, you have to get special permission to remove them.

4 Number of French bulldogs stolen from a home in Dover by six dudes with an assault rifle. Wikipedia says 80 percent of French bulldog litters are born via c-section. That’s not important to the story, but it’s weird, right? Picture the little dog doctors in masks and scrubs.

And From the On-Hold Sports Desk …

The big news is that the Phils postponed their Opening Day game for the second year in a row because of rain. Hmm, climate change? They’ll kick off the season against the Braves on Friday instead of today, with the same 3:05 start at CBP.

The other big news is that The Athletic reports that ESPN is looking to hire Jason Kelce to replace one of the big names on M0nday Night Football. Still digesting how we feel about the prospect …

How’d the Sixers Do?

James Harden was back in Philly for the first time since his ugly trade contretemps last year, as was P.J. Tucker. Better news: Kelly Oubre was back in the saddle for the Sixers, starting along with Tobias Harris, Mo Bamba, Tyrese Maxey and Kyle Lowry. And since the Phils game got postponed, some special guests were on hand.

Sixers fans were spectacular, booing Harden every time he touched the ball in the early going. He obliged by missing some shots, as did his teammates; they were trailing through the first quarter, which closed with the Sixers up 30-18. In the second quarter, the Clippers managed to tighten things up until Maxey hit a long three and then a two, pushing the lead to 10 before the Clippers cut it to four at the half. Then it was suddenly a one-point game early in the third — yikes. That’s where it hung around for the rest of that quarter; only two Buddy Hield treys and his fancy layup toward the end preserved a tenuous 79-75 Sixer lead.

And Bricken for Chicken, too! But oh, God, it stayed too close for comfort all through the fourth. We were up 104-101 with a minute to go when Maxey tripped and turned the ball over on an inbound pass. Amir Coffey missed a vital foul shot that would have cut the lead to one, but the Sixers lost a challenge on an out-of-bounds call that they should have won, and Kawhi Leonard tied it, then put the Clippers up 105-104 with a subsequent foul shot. Ala Abdelnaby was apoplectic. Holy cannoli, a Buddy Hield three from Montana! But another layup and foul shot by Leonard meant another one-point L.A. lead. Ball in Maxey’s hands … he’s fouled, but no shot, just an in-bounds. Wait, a Clippers challenge now, saying Maxey wasn’t fouled, just slipped again. You got the feeling the crowd was gonna storm the court if the review blew this one, too. Luckily for everyone, the call stood up — maybe also wrongly. An Oubre layup stuck to the rim, resulting in a jump ball, also challenged by Nick Nurse. Um, you can’t challenge a no-call, Nick. The Sixers got the resulting jump ball but couldn’t score:

A 108-107 loss, and some wrath from Nurse and in the booth. Tough loss. At least the fans got to boo the crew off the court. Lustily. Kelly Oubre is us.

https://twitter.com/SEALStheDEAL7/status/1773170826629575146

The Flyers play today, though not, one presumes, so controversially.

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