Philly Flushes Golden Opportunity to Name Its Public Restrooms

The City of Philadelphia is asking for help naming its upcoming public restrooms, which will be similar to this public restroom. (Photo via the Philadelphia Department of Planning & Development)

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Philly Flushes Golden Opportunity to Name Its Public Restrooms

What should Philadelphia call its upcoming public restrooms? That’s what the city is asking in a new online poll.

Unfortunately, the three choices aren’t exactly inspiring. There’s the Philly Loo, a nod to the fact that the chosen design for our public restrooms is the Portland Loo out of Portland, Oregon. But there’s just something very anti-Philadelphian about the word loo. Then there’s Phlush, because we just can’t resist replacing F’s with Ph’s wherever possible. And the final choice is the utterly straightforward Philly Public Restroom.

Naturally, some folks have taken to social media to offer other suggestions. My favorite of those is the Porta Jawn, which seems like the natural winner in spite of the fact that this is not a portable public restroom. But this is 2023, and who cares about facts? Other novel options include the Dallas Cowboys (never gets old), Wooder Closet, Benjamin Stanklin and, of course, the Jim Kenney.

The current plan is to install six of these whatever-you-call-thems over the next five years. Yes, you read that right. Six Philadelphia public restrooms by 2028. We can reopen a major interstate highway 12 days after it collapsed, but it takes us five years to install six toilets.

You can cast your vote for an underwhelming name here. Thursday is the deadline.

The Crime Report

As of Monday night, the homicide count for this year is 210. That’s down from 251 as of the same day in 2022, and down from 266 on the same day in 2021. We didn’t break 200 homicides during the same time period over the decade prior to that. Overall, violent crime is down close to eight percent from where we were last year. But non-violent crimes are way, way up, with stolen cars up a whopping 96 percent.

Meanwhile, in Kutztown

Here in Philly, we worry about murders and car theft. But up yonder in good ol’ Kutztown, it’s an “aggressive cow” that has had residents in a tizzy.

Local Talent

ICYMI, Patti LaBelle showed up at BET’s Tina Turner tribute show on Sunday to sing “The Best,” a.k.a. “You’re Simply the Best.” Things didn’t go so well, with LaBelle flubbing some of the lyrics to the song. “I can’t see the words,” LaBelle said during the performance, referring to the teleprompter. “I don’t know … I’m trying y’all.” More than a few people took to Twitter to lash out at LaBelle, calling her performance “disrespectful” and “unprofessional.”

Yeah, it sucks that LaBelle messed up the moment. But she’s 79. It’s not even her song. She couldn’t see the teleprompter. And she apparently had a cold. Keep in mind that Jon Bon Jovi has been using teleprompters to help him remember the words to his own songs since he was in his 40s.

And in Fox News news, the network has tapped former Penn Charter student Jesse Watters to replace Tucker Carlson. If you’re worried that Watters won’t pack quite the same, uh, punch as Carlson, have no fear. He’s previously done segments that were anti-Chinese and pro-QAnon. You’ve got this, Jesse!

By the Numbers

92,000: PECO customers who lost power during last night’s big storms, according to a company statement on Tuesday morning

175: Arrests made in a big Kensington drug bust that included lots of guns, heroin, weed and fentanyl

$5.6 billion: Amount of the $7.3 billion in American Rescue Plan relief funds that Pennsylvania has spent, the vast majority of that going to replace lost revenue

45: Number of items two women allegedly stole at the King of Prussia Mall. They were reportedly using tin foil to elude security measures.

And from the Tuesday Snoozeday Sports Desk …

Not much to offer youse today, I’m afraid. There’s this: Eagles wide receiver Devon Allen runs really, really, really fast.

And tonight, the Phils kick off a three-game stand vs. the Cubs in Chicago, starting at 8:05. Pass the time until then reading this look back at the golden era of baseball movies, by local writer Stephen Silver.

I looked back on 35 years of BULL DURHAM, for @llfofficial https://t.co/KtPEsud4Ir @philafcc @OFCS @CriticsChoice

— Stephen Silver (@StephenSilver) June 26, 2023

Or, if you’re missing the Sixers, take a gander at this posthumous survey of the team’s all-time-worst draft-day moves.

All Philly Today Sports Desk coverage is provided by Sandy Hingston.