Forget Crisco and Gear Oil: Ten Better Ways to Keep Eagles Fans Off Light Poles
We rounded up some of the internet's best recommendations, from barbed wire to lube to, um, Cheez Whiz.
Photo illustration by James Paris. Photos by Getty Images.
On Tuesday, we told you that Philly police won’t waste any more time or Crisco by greasing light poles ahead of the Super Bowl.
Apparently they’ve got another trick in store: gear oil. We hear it feels like molasses, smells like death, and stains like nothing else. (So you might want to think twice before rising to the challenge in your favorite Eagles jersey.)
Gear oil doesn’t sound very fun, but we love the creativity going into attempts to deter even the wildest of Eagles fans from scaling the city’s streetscape. We’ve compiled a list of several other things (with the help of Twitter) that might do the trick. After all, everyone loves a good challenge.
1. Electric Current
This is, by far, the most suggested option on social media, which perhaps says something sinister about Philly. Or maybe it just says Patriots and Vikings fans are offering their unsolicited advice.
…10,000 volts.
— Elon Musk is a racist Nazi piece of shit (@TLBKlaus) January 31, 2018
2. Razor/Barbed Wire
Again, an ugly but popular option.
https://twitter.com/Farmed_it/status/958772491790569472
https://twitter.com/Retrofreak_78/status/958662384461205505
3. Lube
That’s right, Pornhub has officially offered the two 55-gallon drums of lube.
https://twitter.com/Pornhub/status/958787859993059329
We’re not sure whether or not Philly police will accept based on their Twitter reply:
— Philadelphia Police Department (@PhillyPolice) January 31, 2018
4. Vaseline/Petroleum Jelly
Very sticky. Apparently New Orleans uses this tactic.
New Orleans grease poles with vaseline …. they do it every single year during parade time so i believe it works best. (Not that I'm an expert on vaseline or poles…lol)
— FuzzahWuzzah (@theIroncrone) January 31, 2018
5. All Kinds of Oil
We’re thinking baby. Or vegetable. Or coconut. Or canola. Or olive. You name it. Bonus points if you pair it with vinegar – a classic combo.
May we suggest the oil and vinegar combo used on hoagies? #hoagies #eagles #Philly #Crisco https://t.co/CkDaOsl7hs
— Barnes & Noble Philly (@BNPhillyPA) January 31, 2018
STAND DOWN, CRISCO COPS. This sounds like a job for olive oil https://t.co/4u4XGVR4uO
— This Is Philly (@This_Is_Philly) January 30, 2018
6. Cheez Whiz
Admittedly, we’re not sure if this will deter or attract Eagles fans.
https://twitter.com/Mik3Ferguson/status/955150280244391936
https://twitter.com/teamalone17/status/955481817561387009
https://twitter.com/dcnyc00/status/955167783616155652
7. Poison Ivy
Could be difficult and time-consuming – but probably very effective.
https://twitter.com/PluggedInSport/status/958434071264268296
(For the record, that tweet is a joke. Police are not actually considering this option.)
8. Sriracha
Hot, hot, hot.
Add hot sauce to the crisco or some other ingredient that would make it hot
— aaron manes (@aaron_manes) January 31, 2018
9. Gorilla Glue
You’d have to think twice before committing to scaling that light pole.
https://twitter.com/Johndaturd/status/955823297681387520
10. The Cold
The forecast low on Sunday is 33 degrees Fahrenheit. Maybe that’ll be enough to keep even the most daring of Eagles fans off the city’s light poles. Maybe.
And finally, the answer to the question you’re all secretly (and regrettably) wondering:
https://twitter.com/Bu11durham08/status/958690818436534272
Getting ready to celebrate a Super Bowl appearance. pic.twitter.com/uuKV1RVL7Y
— Adam Kramer (@KegsnEggs) January 22, 2018
