The Totally Nonpartisan Election Day Drinking Game

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My friends, it’s been a long, long road to Election 2016, and it’s not over yet. In the meantime, there’s not much for us to do but hope, pray, and, yes, drink. So here is our guide to your alcohol consumption on this most hallowed stressful day.

When someone posts a “Look at Me! I Voted!” sticker selfie on Facebook … congratulate them on fulfilling the most basic of civic responsibilities and then grab a pint of Anchor Brewing Company’s Liberty Ale.

If you get home from voting and realize that nobody gave you a sticker … pop open that bottle of 1982 Bordeaux and go on and on about how rough life is.

If a dead person shows up at the polls … you should probably let someone at Breitbart know and then proceed to your nearest cocktail bar and order a Corpse Reviver #2.

After your friend says he’s moving to Canada depending on the outcome of the election … remind him that they use Clamato in their Bloody Marys up there and then offer him a shot of Canadian Club as you listen to Bryan Adams’s “Run to You” on repeat play. He’ll realize that Canada actually isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be.

If your coworker explains that she isn’t voting because her conscience won’t allow her to vote for either candidate … ask her where her conscience was when she was stocking up on school supplies in the office back in September, and then take a swig of Bulleit bourbon from the flask hiding in the back of your boss’s top-left desk drawer.

If you’re a Trump supporter and he’s ahead as of 10 p.m. … order another pint of Yuengling Lager.

When someone complains that the Black Panthers are intimidating voters outside of the local polling place … remind them that the Black Panthers haven’t successfully intimidated anyone since people were drinking Harvey Wallbangers. Then order one.

If the election is anywhere close … get to the liquor store ASAP and buy one of those big bottles of your favorite hooch. It’s going to be a long November.

If you show up to vote after work and find a really long line … slip the person at the end $20 to hold your spot for you, and then find the nearest bar and grab a few beers as you come to the realization that you probably shouldn’t gave gone out drinking last night so that you could show up when the polls opened like all the sensible people do.

When someone starts going on and on about the Russians and Wikileaks … just tune out and have a shot of vodka.

If some talking head on CNN tries to explain Electoral College math … that would be a good time to get up and pour yourself another glass of that terrible boxed wine.

If you bump into someone who claims that they are still undecided … buy them a martini and then slap them in the head just as they are about to take the first sip. Then look them dead in the eye and say, “Really, dude?”