Why On Earth Do I Think Paul Ryan Is Hot?

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If, in theory, I’m supposed to be attracted to a person’s beliefs and actions, then Paul Ryan is one ugly dude.

But who am I kidding? From a completely physical standpoint, he’s freaking hot as heck with those baby blue eyes and all of those notorious Time gym pictures that have floated around for years (gun show, baby). I’m often attracted to quasi-nerds, and I think Mr. Ryan reeks of dorkiness, in a totally cute way.

Yes, I feel eerie and gross saying that. Besides the point that I’m totally objectifying him (which, yes, I am), it just feels strange having a crush on the guy who is going to be  two heartbeats away from the Presidency. Plus, he’s married and has kids, which complicates matters dramatically.

But, besides all of that, there is one thing that Paul Ryan is that is scarier than any random bad Grindr hookup: He’s Republican.

He’s also not been gay friendly. At all. In a rally back in 2012 when he was Mitt Romney’s Vice Presidential running mate, he told a crowd that gay marriage was not “an American […] or universal human value.” And, as The Advocate pointed out nicely in an editorial several days ago:

“He voted twice to amend the U.S. Constitution to ban same-sex marriage, voted against LGBT-inclusive hate-crimes legislation, voted against repealing ‘don’t ask, don’t tell,’ and voted to ban adoption by same-sex couples in the District of Columbia, over which Congress exerts some control. An exception to his general record: In 2007 he voted for a version of the Employment Non-Discrimination Act that would have banned discrimination based on sexual orientation but not gender identity — but earlier he had tried to kill the bill.”

Great crush material, right?

When I asked my Facebook community what they thought about my crush on Paul Ryan, I was rightfully chastised.

“It is utterly wrong,” my one friend said, “It’s like having a photo of ‘W’ on the nightstand” (and by that, he meant George W. Bush).

But perhaps the best response, which summarizes my thoughts on the matter, came from someone who sort of agrees with me.

“I think he’s handsome, too,” a friend said. “Until he opens his mouth.”

Amen to that. And I guess I should take down that 4 by 6 framed shot of Mr. Ryan’s TMZ shirtless shot by my bed, right?