“10 Surprising Things Miley Cyrus and the Swiss Cheese Pervert Have in Common”

Miley Cyrus photo via Shutterstock.com

Every once in awhile, someone asks me how I go about coming up with topics for articles and blog posts. Since the fake, talking-to-college-kids answer (“I just observe the world around me, man”) is much more palatable than the real, depressing answer (criminal caffeine abuse and subhuman sleep deprivation), I never really considered trying to explain the process formally. And now it looks like I’ll never have to, thanks to a new doohickey from web marketing firm HubSpot that’s offered to do all my not-that-critical thinking for me.

The Blog Topic Generator, launched to complement other services offered by the automated marketing platform, almost comes off like a proper clowning of Internet content creation, spitting out a week’s worth of trite “ideas” using nothing more than a few nouns you’re asked to input. But it seems to be positioning itself as a legitimate tool, which means it behooves us to use it legitimately.

While it doesn’t spit out headlines in the infinitely useful “winning a game of Clue” or “babies + Beyoncé” formats, HubStop’s auto-offerings seem to be optimized for maximum web traction and your-mom-on-Facebook shareability. What better way to rack up ideas for the rest of May and test its mettle than to plug in a bunch of Philadelphia-centric terms and see what comes up? Here are 10 of my favorite results from my Philly-fixated time spent with the tool. All these posts are most likely coming to a bereft-of-creativity city blog near you within the hour — and I’ll probably be writing all of them.

Miley Cyrus photo via shutterstock.com

“Miley Cyrus And Swiss Cheese Pervert: 10 Surprising Things They Have In Common”

Weird childhoods and a penchant for indecent exposure? That’s two right there. This is going to be easier than I thought! Blogging is so much fun.

Photo courtesy Patrick Rapa/City Paper

“Think You're Cut Out For Doing The Black Israelites? Take This Quiz”

Question 1: Do you enjoy spewing racist, sexist and bigoted rhetoric over loudspeakers while wearing a Gargamel-style robe?

Howard Smith - USA Today Sports Images

“What Will Darren Daulton Be Like In 100 Years?”

Probably exactly the same. You just can’t keep Dutch down.

“10 Things Your Competitors Can Teach You About Peanut Chews”

I hope the overriding message that comes out of this one is that the milk chocolate ones are horrible and dark chocolate is the only acceptable way to go.

“14 Common Misconceptions About Hall & Oates

No kids, “Maneater” is not about a seductive woman who loves Manwich brand sloppy joes. Where do you people get this stuff? (“Rich Girl” is apparently about a dude though.)

Howard Smith - USA Today Sports

“20 Myths About Chip Kelly”

Sorry to those who have long maintained that Chipwich was The Gimp from Pulp Fiction, or that if you say his name three times into your bathroom mirror he’ll materialize and force you to run the read-option.

HughE Dillon

“5 Tools Everyone In The Kevin Bacon Industry Should Be Using”

The Tremors pipe bomb, the Jimmy Dolan Shake ‘n’ Bake from The Air Up There, the little girl who curses a bunch in Flatliners, Steven Guttenberg’s roast beef sandwich from Diner and this one-liner from Hollow Man. Easy.

Photo | geograph.org.uk

“10 Signs You Should Invest in Big Belly Trashcans”

This one’s a little trickier, as much of Philadelphia seems to hate them.

YouTube

“How to Solve the Biggest Problems with Shawn Bradley”

My primary suggestion would be for him to travel back in time and attempt to strike a few of these super-embarrassing getting-dunked-on moments from the record.

“The Worst Advice We’ve Ever Heard About Tastykakes”

“Do I think it’s a bad idea to eat three Tasty Klairs directly before going on a run? No, I think it’s a great idea.” (Does it count as bad advice if your own brain gives it to you?)

Follow @DrewLazor on Twitter.