The 700 Level’s Ranked Tastykake List is All Wrong

Ah, Tastykake. Every Philadelphian, diabetic or no, has a soft spot in their heart for the caky, spongy treats cranked out by way of the Navy Yard. From the simple breakfast treats like their frosted danish to dessert-y items like pies and cupcakes, these little squares of corn syrup and flour are as much a part of our identity as the Liberty Bell or an incredibly high gun murder rate.

So, you could see how a ranked list of Tastykake products might make sense as editorial content, so congrats to the 700 Level on their list. Unfortunately, though, they’re all wrong. Let’s take a look, shall we?

11. Honeybuns

Too much sugar.

Sorry, but there’s no such thing–especially if we’re talking about the gooey, sticky treat that is the honeybun. Let’s put it this way: I want to be at risk for heart disease three bites in. Anything less, and it’s an Entenmann’s. And how dare you keep the noble honeybun out of the top 10. For shame.

8. Tasty Klair

Listed this one out on it’s own because it’s technically one of the pies but has that doughnut vibe to it. The liquid goo is what I imagine the mystical foods in Nintendo’s Zelda taste like.

Wait, the honeybun has too much sugar, but this one’s fine–and higher-ranking? The Tasty Klair is, at best, the redheaded stepchild of the Tastykake pie family—no one really likes it, but they keep it around so no one’s feelings get hurt.

6. Pies (Apple)

Wrong. Pumpkin. (And easily in the top 3.)

And, worst of all:

1. Cream Filled Cupcake (chocolate cake, vanilla icing and filling)

The perfect mix of cake and icing on top with the super amazing bonus icing in the middle of the cupcake. The only thing wrong with these are the tough decision you are faced with on how to approach the ball of icing amazingness in the center. Do you save it to the end for one euphoric bite of icing ball? Or do you ration out a little piece of said icing surprise with each bite? Sometimes life’s decisions are not easy.

Ranking the creamed-filled cupcake over classic childhood treats like Krimpets and Peanut Butter Kandy Kakes is nothing less than a crime against snacking nostalgia. They’re simply a pretender to the throne belonging rightfully to the perfectly balanced Krimpet, which goes equally well with coffee or milk, and doesn’t disappoint with a saccharine filling too airy to be considered substantial.

Though, I will say, kudos on the inclusion of the Kandy Bar Kakes. Those jawns are delicious. [700 Level]