Note to Teen Boys: Supermodels Don’t Want to Go to Prom With You

Is prom season over yet? Really, is it? Because I honestly don’t think I can bear to see one more faux-suave 17-year-old being alternately cool and pitiable in the little video he put together to ask Kate Upton to be his date to the big school dance this year. I mean, what is the matter with kids these days? It used to be a big enough challenge to ask that cute brunette from homeroom. Now you’ve got to go all Hollywood and make life difficult for a gorgeous supermodel? You don’t think she actually wants to go to prom with you, do you? The most you can hope for is pity. Really. She doesn’t think you’re adorable. She thinks you’re a pain in the ass who has made her life immeasurably more difficult with your gone-viral date-request. What the hell is she supposed to do, say no and piss a bunch of strangers off and have them say to themselves, “Oh, that snobby Kate Upton, too good to be Jerk Jake Davidson’s  prom date, is she? She’s full of herself,” even though none of them would go out with Jake Davidson either, because he’s clearly an insufferable dick.

Ever notice that it’s always boys who get these bright ideas to ask women who are way out of their league to attend public events from them? And I’m not talking about the occasional dying-of-cancer kid who wants a kiss from Jessica Alba; that’s excusable—so long as the kid is under 10. I’m talking these Ferris Bueller types who think they’re oh-so-clever as they construct their over-the-top invitations to the babes of their dreams. Only the male teen ego could construct a universe in which maybe, just maybe, if Kate Upton gets to know me over a few cups of punch there in the festively decorated downtown Holiday Inn’s ballroom, she’ll fall in love with me. Or just let me, you know.

Kate Upton knew this. She initially teased Jake by tweeting him that his video was irresistible. Then she very sensibly said she couldn’t go with him, blaming scheduling conflicts, which is something a woman like her no doubt has a lot of. Among other things. Her place was then taken by 21-year-old Nina Agdal, who isn’t from around here (she’s Danish) and got talked into it by her agent, I’m betting. She should fire that agent now.

Jake didn’t sound a bit put out by having to substitute Nina for Kate, because hey, well, any supermodel will do; it’s not like it matters which one. Because she’s just arm candy, right? Someone to make sure Jake gets all the attention his mother and grandmother always tell him he deserves for being their bestest-ever boy.

I trace the blame for this trend all the way back to that monster of ego Kobe Bryant, who way back when he was graduating from Lower Merion High asked then-hot singer Brandy to be his prom date. She said yes, and a pernicious example was set, as this 1996 Inky article shows. (Oh, and check out that byline. The Grand Weiner was in the news herself this weekend, busily criticizing Other Women Writers for not being as Nice and Relatable as … well, as Jennifer Weiner. But I really do digress.)

Celebrity women, let’s put an end to this, now, okay? Just stop it. Just say no when some dickhead teenage boy asks you to his prom. If you all agree, no one will look bad for turning down the dreadful YouTube video invite. You just can’t break ranks. Because as soon as one Sports Illustrated Rookie of the Year babe says yes, the pressure is immediately on all the Sports Illustrated Rookies of the Year for years to come. And we can’t have that. Think of it as a service to a guy like Jake Davidson. That way, thanks to you, he won’t be sitting at the bar at the downtown Holiday Inn 20 years from now, downing his eighth beer and making the bartender suicidal by telling him, jusht one more time, how Nina Agdal (“You remember Nina Agdal, don’t you, man? Sure you do. Super-hot! Nina Agdal!”) went with him to his senior prom.