Gay Wedding Anniversary Gift Ideas

My 20th wedding anniversary is June 5th. According to Emily Post, china is the suggested gift. Since my wife and I rarely entertain, we wouldn’t know what to do with china. Mostly, we eat Trader Joe’s frozen dinners, which makes us more like astronauts than hostesses.

Still, millions of well-bred—as opposed to well-fed—Americans have sworn by Miss Post since her anniversary-gift suggestions appeared in her first book of manners, Etiquette in Society, in Business, in Politics, and at Home, in 1922. It was a best seller, as were updated versions.

Given the tectonic cultural changes over the past few years in regard to same-sex marriage, however, it’s time to radically update those anniversary-gift suggestions. In the spirit of public service, here are a few modest proposals for queer spouses:

Year 1
Traditional gift: Paper
Suggested gift: China
Most lesbians set up housekeeping on the second date, so china—normally given on the 20th anniversary—would do nicely for the gals entertaining their exes. Gay men, on the other hand, tend to be more nest-averse, so china would be impractical. Best stay with paper, for jotting down phone numbers at the bars.

Year 5
Traditional gift: Wood
Suggested gift: Diaper service
By this point, many lesbian couples are about to have their second child. After bagging all those stinky diapers for Baby 1, they would adore this practical luxury. Again, stick to the traditional gift for gay men. They love all things wood, the bigger the better. Particularly in the morning.

Year 10
Traditional gift: Tin, aluminum
Suggested gift: Live-in sex surrogate
Any queer couple that has stayed married this long needs a little spice in the bedroom. Especially lesbians, who are too exhausted from raising their kids to think about sex. Hence the phrase, Lesbian Bed Death. (Quick tip: A live-in sex surrogate who cooks and does light housekeeping is a big plus here.) Gay men might do better with a visiting surrogate, to avoid any awkward run-ins with other playmates.

Year 15
Traditional gift: Crystal
Suggested gift: Crystal meth
Since it’s common knowledge that queer years are equal to dog years, couples at this juncture need reliable meds, not crystal stemware and decanters. Most lesbians shy away from harder drugs, so medicinal marijuana is a fine substitute. Many gay men like crystal meth as a sexual enhancement—serving it in a crystal vase is a nice touch.

Year 20
Traditional gift: China
Suggested gift: Diamonds
Yes, we know that diamonds are for the 60th, but gee whiz, why not splurge now instead of waiting until you’re so old that you mistake them for jelly beans? Diamonds are a queer girl’s best friend, and a queer boy’s, too. Besides, my wife has spent her life being distracted by shiny objects. At least this one is a good investment.

So for those of you searching for the perfect gift for my 20th anniversary next month, consider this: A gorgeous live-in sex surrogate who serves dinner every night on good china, with medical marijuana between courses to cleanse the palate.

Oh, did I mention she wears a French maid’s uniform? Diamonds optional. Happy anniversary!