Who Is Your Celebrity Arch Nemesis?
For anyone who knows me, or has read my stuff the past few years, you’ll know that Jane Seymour is my celebrity arch nemesis. I have never met her, nor has she done anything specifically to me. (Well, not counting the mural that went up on South Street just blocks from my house.) But, no matter. Just the sight or sound of her in one of those stupid Kay commercials or seeing one of those God-awful Open Hearts necklaces makes me want to punch something. Or stick pins in my Dr. Quinn voodoo doll.
And I know I’m not alone. When I asked friends on Facebook to name a celebrity whose very existence enrages them, names flooded in: John Mayer, Jenny McCarthy, Anne Hathaway, Ben Mulroney (the Canadian Ryan Seacrest), and many, many more.
Here are 12 celebrities who are arch-nemesis worthy. Whether they rank in the same class as Jane Seymour, well … you tell me.
1. Taylor Swift
Hey everybody, Michael J. Fox got in touch with me today and we are good. Thank you for having my back.
— Taylor Swift (@taylorswift13) January 18, 2013
Gawd, it must be sooo exhausting to be Taylor. I mean, as her Twitter bio says, she’s “Happy. Free. Confused. Lonely. At the same time.” At the same time, people! Now if only Kanye could just follow her around every time she tries to sing live.
2. Kardashians
Next week is officially spring! What better way to start the season off than with a nice tan! #KardashianGlow
— KhloéKardashianOdom (@KhloeKardashian) March 12, 2013
They make me miss talking about Paris Hilton. I hate them for that.
3. Ed Cunningham
For most of us, the “voice of WHYY” will forever be associated with the pledge drive. Pavlovian-style. Best summed up by Philly Mag writer Vicki Glembocki: “Whenever I hear his voice at other times, when he’s doing an ad or something, I shiver in fear, thinking, Oh God is it another pledge drive? IS IT ANOTHER PLEDGE DRIVE?????”
4. Subway Jared
Like Hope Davis or smooth jazz, he inexplicably brings me to rage.
5. Jennifer Love Hewitt
Things she actually said in the past week: 1) in an Old Navy commercial (scripted), “I’m Jennifer Love Hoodies”; 2) in a USA Today interview (unscripted), “I’ve cut down on the lingerie a lot in my life because I wear it all the time [on TV]. So it’s like I don’t want to go home and even think about another cute bra and panties set.” I mean …
My dream is to be in the top five sexiest woman for maxim magazine! Lets do it people! Would be fun , they have been very good to me!
— Jennifer Love Hewitt (@TheReal_Jlh) January 10, 2013
6. Ryan Seacrest There’s no escaping the man who inflicted the Kardashians on the world. I have a sneaking suspicion there is a painting of a decrepit Seacrest moldering away in his attic. That and Billy Bush is going through his things.
7. Ashton Kutcher A man-boy whose continued relevancy is astounding.
pain is the first notification of an inbound lesson
— ashton kutcher (@aplusk) March 6, 2013
8. Kristen Stewart
It must be so hard to have the weight of the world on your shoulders. Why else would Bella Swan slouch so much?
9. Justin Bieber
Oh, Biebs. Like many before you, you’ve reached the age where your “cute kid” days are long gone. Now we’re left with the 19-year-old you: a thuggish prig who likes to take (hashtag-)selfies in a hospital bed.
10. Rachael Ray
No, we don’t want some “stoup” or use “EVOO.” And if you say yumm-o one more frickin’ time, I swear to God we’ll steal your wardrobe of bodysuits.
11. Reneé Zellweger
Open. Your. Eyes.
12. E. L. James
The Fifty Shades of Grey author is writing a book on writing called Fifty Shades of Grey: Inner Goddess. Seriously. The woman who gave us the gem, “I can tell from his accent that he’s British” feels she’s equipped to teach others. Seriously.
