Barack Obama’s Future as a Daycare Center Owner

The internet has developed a collective case of the giggles lately thanks to George W. Bush. The former president has taken up painting in his retirement and, well, he really likes to create images of himself in the shower and dogs. Lots of dogs. Like, 50 freaking dogs.

It seems a little silly and, to me, a little endearing that the former commander-in-chief has the same hobby as my three-year-old niece who paints pictures of a kitty cat named Booger. But hey, hats off to Dubya for being multi-faceted. After all, Bob Dole did Viagra commercials, which is at least 57 percent skeevier than naked shower self-portraits. Here, some suggestions for what current politicians should consider as post-political hobbies.

Barack Obama

Daycare center owner. He’s already got the dad pants, and our current commander-in-chief really loves kids. He recoiled as a wee Spider-Man attacked him in the Oval Office. He made monster faces while reading Where the Wild Things Are.

Johnny Doc

Dog rehabilitator. Don’t you just like the idea of gruff guy Johnny Doc petting puppies all day long?

Michael Nutter

Weekend DJ and dance party thrower. Jerry Blavat has Memories in Margate. Mixmaster Mike could have his pick of venues in Philadelphia. You know the night’s over when you hear the first few lines of Rapper’s Delight.

John Boehner

Spray tan technician. It seems unlikely that he doesn’t already have the skill for this one.

Michele Bachmann

Blogger. Inspired by all-time great Tumblr Chicks With Steve Buscemeyes, Bachmann will capitalize on her unfortunate Newsweek cover and start Dudes With Michele Bachmann’s Crazy Eyes. An Urban Outfitters book deal will follow.

Joe Biden

Train conductor. Who didn’t get misty whenever Vice President Biden talked about riding Amtrak to and from Washington, DC every day from Wilmington? The man loves trains, and riding the rails as a train conductor seems like a good way to unwind after years in the White House. Imagine his famously white teeth grinning at you from the train platform. Happy commuting!

Bob Brady

Mummer. After helping secure dollars when the annual parade/shitshow was on the brink of being defunded, Brady is the sequined-man’s hero. When the time comes, he may as well join the Fancies and start struttin’.

Hillary Clinton

Who are we kidding? Hillary’s never retiring.