PHOTOS: Oscar Dresses, Who Was Hot & Who Was Not

As a straight male, I don’t judge Oscars style based on hairstyles, shoes or jewelry. I can’t tell the difference between a dress from Tom Ford and one from Target. Instead, I utilize the time-honored Bro Scale, influenced mostly by the traditional “hot or not” metric, the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show, and the shopping-mall couture of Bebe. With that in mind, here are the real winners and losers from last night’s Academy Awards.

ANNE HATHAWAY
Nipply apron.
Grade: B

MELISSA MCCARTHY
Her sweatpants had a dream they were a dress. That dream came true.
Grade: D

SALMA HAYEK
There are two reasons that guys check out photos of Salma Hayek. Neither of them are seen here.
Grade: F

NICOLE KIDMAN
The dress distracts me from wondering why her face now looks only vaguely like Nicole Kidman.
Grade: B

SAMANTHA BARKS
No idea who this woman is but yes.
Grade: A

OLIVIA MUNN
Wonder Woman’s corset threw up a big red ribbon.
Grade: C-

CHARLIZE THERON
Points off for making me feel weird about thinking a woman with a Peter Pan haircut is this hot.
Grade: A-

BRANDI GLANVILLE
That dress is treating her boobs like a terrorist in Zero Dark Thirty.
Grade: D+
 
MORE OSCARS: Read our complete Oscars show recap, “From Seth MacFarlane’s Bad Jokes to Puppy Purses: the Good, the Bad, & the Ugly of Oscars 2013.”