18 Philly Businesses That Should Close or Be Shut Down

If you haven’t already heard, the Forum officially shut its doors. No surprise. Why would any grown man pay for his porn at a creepy public theater when he can get it for free in his safe, quiet basement while his wife and kiddies are asleep upstairs? The Forum’s demise made me think of a few other Philly businesses that should probably consider closing. Or at least be forced to shut.

1. The Inquirer. I just realized something. After 40-plus years of reading the Inquirer every day, it finally dawned on me that if I never received another issue delivered to my house I wouldn’t notice the difference. How many ownership groups need to bankrupt themselves before everyone realizes that, short of the sports section and Karen Heller’s column, there’s absolutely nothing worthwhile reading in the print edition that you can’t get online? Enough already.

2. Any restaurant selling Chinese food and sushi. Are Americans that ignorant? Do the owners of these places think they’re duping us into believing that all food from Asia is the same?

3. Any liberal arts college charging more than $50K per year. And there are plenty of them around the region. Parents shouldn’t have to finance the alternative lifestyles of over-pampered and entitled academics just so their kids can return home without a job.

4. Barnes & Noble. Great place on Rittenhouse Square to browse, but I haven’t bought a book there in years.

5. Chickie’s and Pete’s. The Eagles are terrible. The Phillies are old. The Flyers aren’t playing. And you can get a Sixers ticket on StubHub for a buck. OK, the crab fries are pretty good, but there’s not a whole lot more incentive to hang out at this sports restaurant anymore. Guys, get out while you can.

6. That parking garage at 17th and Market. $33 to park for two hours in the middle of the day? The owners of the Forum should be less ashamed of their business.

7. Juicy Couture. Please … those little pink sweat pants that my daughter buys for 80 bucks are killing me. This place should shut itself down, or at least include free contraception with any purchase made by a teenager.

8. State stores. If only because I’m sick of explaining this concept to out-of-town visitors.

9. All corner groceries in Southwest Philadelphia. I’m not proposing a complete shutdown here, just the closing of business after dark. I watch the news. Making this move will cut the city’s crime rate in half.

10. Any hotel on Roosevelt Boulevard. Who stays at these places? Customers at the Forum who get lucky?

11. National Museum of American Jewish History. A great concept. But any self-respecting, struggling, not-for-profit organization that pays its CEO $434,515 per year deserves to be shut down.

12. Any company that employs heroin addicts as pilots. I sympathize with this small-business owner. But really? You didn’t know? And he’s flying planes over populated areas?

13. Philadelphia’s Traffic Court. Privatize it. And disbar the judges too.

14. Businesses that sell firearms. Yes, Walmart too. I’m a right-of-center guy, but c’mon. Selling guns anywhere near this city just seems like a bad idea.

15. Companies that make pop-up ads. There are plenty of ad firms and web designers in the region that do this for their clients. These people are slowly sucking out the enjoyment and productivity we get from the Internet.

16. Staples and Office Depot—if they continue to sell “At-A-Glance” calendars. I can’t believe I just paid $25 for a simple 2013 monthly calendar. That has to go down as the world’s biggest rip-off.

17. Any Verizon store that still wants to charge $300 for a phone when a customer who has a wife and three kids and pays more than $300 per month in mobile phone charges is up for a renewal and it’s clear that Verizon is making plenty of money off the service and the right thing to do would be to provide the phone for free to their bigger and best customers as a means to continue using that service. Not that this is me or anything.

18. Revel Casino. Any place that charges $20 for a hamburger and still thinks it can stay in business needs to consider closing. I realize they’re trying to pay for Beyonce’s summer appearance, but enough is enough. Let’s close it down and let the gamblers stay in Philly where they belong.