Sandy on Sandy

Philly's own drag star Sandy Beach gives us the campy lowdown on the Frankenstorm.

“Sandy is Really Blowing Hard.” This is just one of the headlines I’ve been receiving via email, text and Facebook today. And I guess it’s to be expected when a Frankenstorm shares your name.

The jokes are endless, really. Some of the more “amusing” headlines that have blown my way: “Sandy is Beating Up Nags Head.” Oh no she didn’t! “Sandy Pounds Jamaica.” Hey, mon, give a girl a break. “Sandy Empties Grocery Shelves.” I am not that big!

One of the finer moments was when ABC newsman Rick Williams said, “You can upload Sandy in your palm.” Oh, that’s just wrong.

But as we all stay abreast of the news coverage during the “stormapocalypse,” what you may not have heard is that “14 Sailors Survive Sandy” and that “Sandy Will Cause a Baby Boom.” Really? I never expected I would inspire my very own “birther” movement.

And as a veteran performer from the Jersey Shore (did you see my my coming out story?) this one really got my attention: “Sandy Closes Atlantic City, Thousands Flee.” Okay, people, I had nothing to do with that show! I swear!

Moments ago, I received this text message: “Have a leak in my basement.” So I texted back, “What, you don’t got a toilet?”

For those of us who are facing the other Sandy today, here’s something to think about:

Bread. Eggs. Milk. What? Are you going to be trapped in a house and eat egg salad – or panackes? Egg salad gives me gas, the type that makes the cat want to go out into the storm.

Canned goods? What good are these when the power goes out and you can’t use your electric can opener? I have had to use a hammer and screwdriver to get the lid off a can of caviar. Because, dear readers, that’s my kind of canned good.

Rice and Beans? Great. More gas – and not the stuff that will make your stovetop work either.

Flashlight in the bathroom? Please! Half the men I have dated can’t hit the bowl with the lights on.

The only good part of this storm is that you will hear the name Sandy for the next few days – and not Obama, not Romney, not Biden, not Ryan. Storms truly are bipartisan. So enjoy Sandy while you can. I’ll be back at the Venture Inn later this week if you just can’t get enough.

Robert “Sandy Beach” Hitchen is an a performer who was last seen in Hairspray in Ocean City, N.J. He hosts Smashed every month at the Venture Inn.