Have Sex on the Beach Without Getting Caught
How to Escape Greenhead Flies
You know by now that you can’t avoid them: The Shore’s salt marshes are the prime habitat of the greenhead fly (a.k.a. the biting demon from hell). You can, however, take the following steps to stave them off.
1. Find a bug repellent with plenty of DEET (i.e., Off Deep Woods, Dak Greenhead Fly and Insect Repellent) and apply. Liberally.
2. Sorry, Brigantiners, but your town is extra marshy, and therefore extra buggy. Try beaching north or south.
3. Embrace the indoor lunch: Midday is greenhead happy hour.
4. Wear light colors, and lay off the tanning. Greenheads are attracted to darker shades.
5. Consider a jolt: Electronic zapper swatters are effective (and disturbingly gratifying).
How to Have Sex On The Beach Without Getting Caught
First off, don’t even think about a nooner. Crowded beach or not, cover of darkness is the difference between “Dear Penthouse” and “I am a registered sex offender.” Opt for easy-access attire; think baggy shorts and sundresses, and consider going commando. Also, avoid party towns: Sea Isle City, A.C., Beach Haven and Wildwood all train pesky rent-a-cops to spot bare asses; escape clubby areas for quieter stretches of beach. And never go under the boardwalk—it’s the first (and easiest) place you’ll get caught.
How to Take a Frame-Worthy Picture of a Sunset
DO: Show up an hour before sunset for a prime spot by the water. DON’T: Forget a tripod. With handheld, you risk a blurry shot. DO: Set the color balance to “daylight” or “cloudy” to capture the glow; set the shutter speed to 100 for a crisp picture; and use the 10-second time-release button so you don’t rock the camera every time you press the film. DON’T: Line up the horizon in the center of the frame—so blah. Keeping it in the top third of the shot is more unexpected.
How to Improve Your Skee-Ball Game
1. Play on your knees. This will seem weird at first-and look weird, always-but you’ll find it’s a much more stable position than the old lean-over. 2. Slide the ball like it’s an air hockey puck, which will yield more accurate results. 3. Instead of a center shot, try banking off the side of the machine. The pros at the national skee-ball association (seriously) say that every machine has its sweet spot, and you can land big points with every throw once you find it.
These tips originally appeared in the June 2012 issue of Philadelphia magazine.
