Your Husband Watches Porn
“Does your husband look at porn online?”
Of all the conversations moms have started with me as we’ve sat on park benches and watched our kids dangle from various formations of plastic play equipment, not one has ever included the word “porn.”
I was … thrilled.
Porn!
As in not sunscreen, Madagascar 3, or that other mom sitting on that other bench over there.
Jen and I were talking about porn!
Porny porny porny porny porn!
“Why?” I asked, using my most convincing I-talk-porn-all-the-time tone lest I scare Jen (obviously not her real name) away from what would no doubt be the most interesting discussion I’d have all week.
“I found a stash on our computer this morning.”
“Noooooo.”
After her husband left for work, Jen was hunting for a craft project (really) that she’d bookmarked. When she clicked the drop-down menu, she saw a page that looked odd.
“It was photos … of that girl … from Glee.” Of course it was. Heather Morris. The dumb-blonde cheerleader/dancer chick who is 25, but plays a teenager. The shots were near-naked. And booby. And involved red leather. Scumbag, Jen thought. She began to dig. Inside the “Dad’s Favorites” folder was the “Corvettes” folder (because the man loves his Corvettes), and inside that was the “Corvette Kit Cars” folder, and inside that was … more Heather Morris. Doing gymnastic-y moves … in a bra and panties. And there were other blondes, in various states of undress. Plus some links to sites Jen was afraid to click on.
Jen then did something extremely unexpected, something that might make both Larry Flynt and Gloria Steinem equally proud. She grabbed her camera, took off her clothes, and started taking pictures of herself. And they were dirty. Angles that “only the ob-gyn has ever seen,” she says.
If Marcus wants to look at porn, she thought, I’ll give him porn. She uploaded the shots into a folder titled “Housewife Bares All,” which she added to the “Corvettes” folder, which she had subtly renamed “Dad’s Porn.”
“I can’t wait for him to find it,” she said, having transformed her attitude from scumbag to not-psychotic-at-all. “I just want him to know that I know.”
But suddenly, I wasn’t feeling so playful anymore.
Did my husband watch porn online?
