The 5 Most Annoying People at Rock Concerts

I’ve been on a bit of a concert-going tear in the past few weeks—four big rock shows within the past three weeks. That’s probably more hearing loss and watered-down beer in such a short stretch than I’ve endured since college. Maybe it’s because I’m getting older, or because I’m still sleep-deprived after that Guns N’ Roses show at the Factory ended at 2:30 a.m., but it seems like fan behavior is worse than ever. In the interest of calling out the morons who shatter my bliss during the guitar solo in “November Rain,” here is the fourth installment of Folks Who Irritate the Crap Out Of Me—the concert edition.

The YouTube Auteur
It might seem crazy that I shelled out $175 for floor seats for this show, since I only know this band’s songs from the radio. The music is secondary—what I’m really here for is cinematography. I consider myself an artist working in the visual medium. My paintbrush? My iPhone, which I will hold up over my head during every crowd-pleasing hit to record each epic moment on video. Of course, that means I’m effectively eight feet tall with my outstretched arms, so no one behind me can see, unless they peer through the space between my phone and the top of my head. But screw them. They can watch what they missed on YouTube.

The Walking Dead
You know what’s the most underrated aspect of the live music experience? Exercise! I always try to give the ol’ walking sticks a workout, so I leave my seat as often as possible. Why get a hot dog, a beer, a t-shirt, and hit the bathroom all in one trip when I can shuffle through my row and annoy everyone next to me over and over again—all while toning my legs and getting a great core workout! It’s funny, I always seem to end up sitting right in the middle. And always have to pee during the best songs. Like this one. Excuse me, pardon me …

The Non-Functional Alcoholic (a.k.a. the Jersey Shore Cast Member)
Bro, I have waited all year for this show. I don’t care that it’s a Monday and my boss said one more late day and I’m shit-canned—we tailgated hard. Showed up at noon, fired up the grill … wait, I don’t think I ever ate anything. But between the maximum strength Five-Hour Energy shots, a case of Bud Light, two joints laced with cat tranquilizers and a few bumps, I am ready to rock and roll, mother-f’er! Cool if I lean on you, bro? I can barely stand up. Vision’s kinda goin’ on me too …What? You don’t appreciate my sweat-soaked, shirtless chest pressed up against you for two hours? Or the Jack Daniels my girl spilled on your shirt? You wanna do this, bro? Let’s go bro. I’m gonna mess you … uh oh. I think I just threw up. No, I swallowed it. I swallowed it. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

The PDA Couple
Damn it, woman, you look so freakin’ hot in them tight jeans. I like the way they push that muffin top outta your sequined t-shirt. Just can’t keep my hands off that ass. Yeah, I know everyone’s watching us grind like horny teenagers at bible camp. Enjoy the show, people! Jealous. You remember in high school when we humped in the back of my Ford Fiesta to this song? God I love you so much. Oh, this is it! Our song! And I stiiiiiiiiiill—love you—haven’t fouuuuuuuuuuund—mm, so much—what I’m looking fooooooooooooor! Yeah, them lyrics don’t really express the undying flame burning in my crotchal area for you right now, but that’s our jam. I’m gonna put a baby in you right now, woman.

The Girl Who’d Rather Be at Nickelback
So, like, I totes don’t know why I’m even here. The guys in this indie rock band have never, like, showered, ever. So skeevy. Someone take them to a Bath & Body Works, like, a minute ago. Ew! Stop bumping into my knockoff Gucci handbag, you dirty hipster! Grossies. Where did my BF go? Ugh. We’re leaving 10 songs before the encore so we’re the first to bounce and beat the traffic. This $15 merlot tastes great, though, you guys.