My Biggest Losers of 2011

Although Freindly Fire has never been known for sarcasm and negativity, it feels compelled as a civic duty to point out this year’s biggest losers.

So with very little pleasure (okay, maybe a little), here are some of 2011’s notable wankers:

Philadelphia Phillies
A colossal failure. Period. End of story.

But this being Philadelphia, further explanation is, of course, warranted. Yes, they won the (ridiculously weak) National League East division for the fifth time in a row. Yes, they set a franchise record for regular season wins. Yes, there was one World Series championship three years ago. And yes, they will probably win the division again in 2012. So what? All meaningless.

And for anyone who actually believes any of those achievements mean squat, well, you’re delirious from being an Eagles fan.

The team — the only one in the nation’s top four markets which does not share its city with another franchise — was billed as having the best rotation in baseball history and a powerhouse lineup of battle-tested veterans. But when you enter Yankee territory, as they claimed they did, anything short of a championship must be viewed a total failure, as there are no points for second place.

The blame should be laid at the feet of the players, several of whom refused to hustle and play fundamental baseball, and more importantly, the coaches who didn’t address those problems.

So while the Phils are still a dangerous team, their window of opportunity is closing fast. Time to lose the ‘tude and play ball the way Little Leaguers and consistent World Series Champs do. Otherwise, Charlie Manual will become the city’s next Andy Reid. (All right, that’s a stretch. Andy’s in a class by himself.)

NBA
Speaking of sports, shame on the NBA for ending the lockout. If they really cared about fan appreciation, they would have continued the impasse for the next decade. It was leaps and bounds more exciting than anything the 12 people watching a typical NBA game will see.

Jerry Sandusky, His Wife Dottie, Penn State, Tom Corbett, Joe Paterno, and Mike McQueary
At the very least, all failed the test of moral leadership, permitting small, defenseless children to live a nightmare from which they may never awaken — because no one would help. How could Happy Valley seem more like Yemen, where child sex trafficking and molestation is an accepted fact of life? Even if Penn State turns into the State Pen for those who may have done wrong, it will be little solace to the victims.

And all the folks on this list, whether directly or indirectly, have blood on their hands. For shame.

Mitt Romney
Is Romney the most intelligent candidate running for President? Probably. Is he a successful businessman? Undoubtedly. But what does it tell you when, after campaigning for five years and spending hundreds of millions, Romney still can’t even muster 30 percent of the GOP base? In other words, seven of ten Republicans simply don’t like him.

And it’s not rooted in his issue positions (though his Romneycare law in Massachusetts doesn’t help), but that he has no core convictions on…anything. The man is the very embodiment of an articulate politician without a soul, one who will say whatever it takes to get elected. So prevalent is his flip-flopping that he couldn’t even decide whether to campaign in Iowa. Contrast that to Congressman Ron Paul, whose support is surging for the opposite reason — because he has been steadfastly consistent throughout his entire political career.

It’s a lesson totally lost on Mitt. He’s so out of touch that he doesn’t understand the people’s yearning for a leader who stands for something and sticks to his guns. Instead, Romney’s “be all things to all people” approach has him foundering and will make him an inviting target for Obama should he win the GOP nomination.

Romney is the best Christmas present the GOP could give the Democrats.

Hollywood Movie Studios
Fewer Americans went to the movies this year than at any point in the last 16 years. Sure, the economy is in the toilet, tickets are expensive, and you need to take out a second mortgage to buy Raisenets, but they are all symptoms of a much greater illness: Hollywood’s product continues to decline.

Most flicks are flat-out horrible, but Hollywood execs don’t care. Their formula of hiring a star and throwing in some special effects is enough to dupe Americans into opening their wallets. And despite the dismal box office numbers, don’t look for that to change anytime soon. As long as they can make enough money to get near break even in North America, they’ll still be laughing all the way to the bank because the foreign box office is providing the big haul. In fact, it was a record year for overseas profits. Which means that folks in Indonesia who are still starstruck will ensure more of Hollywood’s mediocrity for the foreseeable future.

Or here’s an idea: maybe Hollywood could stop looking for the easy way out of making remakes of remakes and using the same musical score ad nauseum –just listen to Pirates of the Carribean (2003), Gladiator (2000), and The Rock (1996) — and reinvent itself. Sure, it takes effort to be creative, but that’s what made Hollywood the most powerful force in the world.

Most people couldn’t name one U.S. senator, nor do they care. But when Hollywood produces a creative, classic movie, it touches the soul, inspires, motivates, and enlightens (Remember the Titans meets all that criteria and then some). It makes people think in a way they normally wouldn’t, and more often than not, produces a smile. When was the last time Congress did that?

The slogan of the G4 network is playing “Movies That Don’t Suck.” Since that list is growing thin, let’s hope Hollywood regains its footing and returns to its glory days by putting blood, sweat and tears ahead of the easy buck.

Jim Matthews, Joe Hoeffel, and Montco Residents
Even in its most creative mode, Hollywood couldn’t have scripted this soap opera. Four years ago, the GOP won control of the county commissioners, but Jim Matthews forsaked loyalty for power and sided with Democrat Joe Hoeffel, giving the chairmanship to himself and power, effectively, to the Democrats. Top vote getter Bruce Castor was left out in the cold.

So (in)effective was the dynamic duo of Matthews-Hoeffel that both got the boot from their respective parties and were forced into retirement. And for the first time ever, the Democrats took control of Montgomery County. So once again, Castor will be the only voice of reason as the Dems will most certainly raise taxes and get cozy with the unions.

But in a most fascinating twist, Matthews was recently arrested on perjury and false swearing charges for allegedly lying to a grand jury about his relationships with county vendors. The grand jury found that “Matthews lied with such ease and frequency, that he acted as though, as chairman of the Montgomery County Board of Commissioners, he is above the law.”

When your arrogance knows no bounds, what goes around comes around. And for Jim Matthews, the red and green colors of the season may well turn to jumpsuit orange. So in the spirit of giving, Freindly Fire will send Jim a belated Christmas present, just to be safe: Soap-On-A-Rope.

Pennsylvanians
Maintaining the status quo simply isn’t good enough when the state has an effective unemployment rate above 10 percent. So to solve that problem, what did Republican Governor Tom Corbett and the GOP-controlled legislature achieve? Pretty much zilch.

Sure, the budget wasn’t increased, but that wasn’t due to political courage but the fact that the Federal stimulus funds had evaporated. And yet, despite many good programs going on the chopping block, the “fiscally conservative” Republicans still spent money on a lavish union deal, the Yankees’ AAA stadium, a bailout of the Philadelphia Shipyard to build ships with no buyers, and –while not ultimately spent — a grant to Jerry Sandusky’s Second Mile Foundation.

And what of the signature issues that will be ignored in the upcoming election year? School choice? Dead as Marley’s Ghost. Liquor privatization? Forget it. Reducing the second highest corporate tax in the nation — a certified job killer? Not going to happen.

And because the demand for natural gas remains so low, the industry will cap their wells and move out of state, so we won’t have them to use as a convenient punching bag anymore.

So Pennsylvanians will suffer as more opportunites to bring the state into the 21st century are squandered. The politicians change, but the lies stay the same.

Happy New Year!