What Kind of Phillies Fan Are You?

The crack of the bat. The smell of the freshly cut grass. The moron in your section who thinks he’s Rodney Dangerfield and won’t shut up with the one-liners. After watching three games at Citizens Bank Park this season, I’ve been reminded of the types of Phillies fans who drive me insane. Much like the characters at the gym who chat on their cell phones and read two months of US Weekly back-issues while you’re waiting for their treadmill, these people either have no clue that they’re annoying everyone around them or take pride in being obnoxious.

The “Booing Is My Birthright” Guy
BOOOOOO! Hamels, you suck! So what if it’s the fourth game of the season and Cole was the MVP of the ’08 World Series and that he’d be the number-one starting pitcher for most teams in the majors? He laid an egg tonight and I’m gonna let him hear it. I paid good money for this seat and that gives me the right to boo my team, even when it makes me look like a petty d-bag who’s stressed about work or my old lady or my erectile dysfunction and is taking it out on the Phillies. Howard’s up next with the bases juiced. He’s batting .524 with two bombs already. What? He just struck out! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

The “I Must Be In The Outfield At Wrigley” Girl
Hey kid! Yeah, you—the 10-year-old who just caught a home run off the opposing team. I know this is probably the most exciting moment of your life, especially considering most of us will die without snagging a foul ball, much less a home run. But I don’t care. Throw it back on the field! Yes, I’m going to keep screaming until you toss it. Doesn’t matter that the last person who actually touched that ball was our pitcher. Or that rejecting home runs started with Chicago Cubs fans, which means we’re total posers and frauds for ripping off their tradition. Throw it back already!

The “Open Mic Night” Guy
Yo batter! You couldn’t hit this pitch if Cliff Lee put it on a tee! Right? Right? My grandmother has a better swing—and she’s dead! Hi-oh! Yeah, I’ll take two beers from ya, beer guy. What’s the total? Whoa! You giving out loans with those brews, buddy? Look at this pitcher—better check the roster, pal, you might be a lefty! I’ll be here all day, folks. Try the veal.

The “Loyalty Police” Guy
Why ain’t you wearing no Phils gear, cuz? What, you some stinkin’ Mets fan or something? Nobody in my section’s gonna root for the Mets. Don’t even clap, cuz. What, you some Sox fan? Boston sucks. Yankees fan? Born and raised in the Bronx, bo? Go the hell back there. Lemme see your driver’s license. What did you say? You just didn’t wear your Phils gear to the game? What is you, some kinda terrorist?

The “Who Is The Backup Pitcher” Girl
I, like, totes love the Phillies. Can’t you tell by the red knockoff Dolce & Gabbana purse I wore just for today? And my Victoria’s Secret “I only bang Phillies fans” authentic thong? So who’s playing third base? Oh, right. I can’t believe they only sell two beers at a time. Guess I’ll just have to get up in the middle of a play every inning so I can double-fist Miller Lites until they cut me off. Where’s the guy with the beard—Jayson something? And where’s Chase? They’re hotties.

The “Dollar Dog Night” Kid
Bro, these are the best games! Here’s what we do—me and all my buddies buy the cheap standing room tickets. We pound Natty Lights in the parking lot before the game so we’re completely shitfaced by the first pitch. Then we have a hot dog eating contest and roam the stadium like a pack of drunken pirates and harass everyone—their fans, our fans, the other team, our team, senior citizens, the handicapped. I might even take my shirt off! Who are we playing tonight? Who cares?

The “Reality TV Star” Guy
That’s right—I paid $250 for Diamond Club seats behind home plate for a reason. No, asswipe, not to hear the sound of Doc’s fastballs hit the catcher’s mitt. To get on TV! Here’s what I do: I call a friend, tell them to turn on the Phils game, and then I frantically wave my hands in the air like a mental patient. Sometimes I’ll stand up or make faces or—this one’s the best—mimic the ump’s call. Struck ‘em out! Then I call the next friend. Yes. I will do this the entire game. [Related species: The “This Is My Ticket To ‘The Real World’ Season 79 Or A Modeling Contract” Girl]

The “Beat The Traffic” Guy
Honey, I know it’s the middle of the sixth inning. But we parked at the far end of the lot and it takes forever to get out of there. I have a conference call tomorrow morning. And I have to iron my Dockers tonight. Right, the ones with the pleats. And think about it—the Phillies are down four runs. When’s the last time they pulled off a comeback win? When? I missed that one. And that one. That one, too…