Slept Together On The First Date?

Dear Monica, I went on a date with a great guy and slept with him right away. Now I am having second thoughts about my decision. Have I ruined my chances of having a relationship with him? —L.R.  Bala Cynwyd

Having sex on a first date doesn’t make you a bad person, nor does it automatically lead to a dead end. I doubt that the man that you spent the night with is giving this as much mental energy as you are. Just because you had sex right away does not mean that you can’t achieve a long-term relationship with him. A woman should be able to have sex when she wants and with whom she wants without worrying about undermining her chances of long-lasting love. It all depends on your end goal and how you’ll feel the morning after. Pass on first-date sex if you know it will only leave you feeling vulnerable or  emotionally invested too soon. If you feel like having spontaneous first date sex, know that every action has a reaction and consequences will need to be faced. Was it just a night of sport sex, or is there a potential for a budding relationship? You need to evaluate if you think this person has redeeming qualities outside of the bedroom worth exploring.

Ladies shouldn’t beat themselves up over a night of passion, and guys shouldn’t assume she’s already picking out china patterns. While first-date sex isn’t always the best strategy, it can be something to build on if you stick to the following:

• Don’t assume you’re boyfriend-girlfriend. This is Fatal Attraction territory.
• Don’t judge. He might think you’re easy, and you might think he’s only interested in sex. This is shallow thinking and may be far from the truth.
• If you rule out any chance of a long-term relationship based on what happened, then you weren’t really looking for one anyway.
• If you’re interested, give low-key signals. Try injecting subtle, playful humor such as “Now that I’ve seen you naked, what’s your middle name?”
• Don’t make a big deal about expectations of intimacy for the second date. It doesn’t mean you’re regressing. You’re just taking things at their natural pace.
• Give the relationship time. Just because you slept together doesn’t mean the relationship needs to kick into high gear. Take time with the getting-to-know-you part of dating.
• Great sex is great sex. You can’t undo your hook-up. If, after further dates, you realize that great sex is your only common denominator, it’s time to move on.
• Above all, question what you want out of the relationship. Was it just a one-hit wonder night of fun, or did you jump in bed because you were wildly attracted to him and the sex was an expression of your feelings? If it’s the latter, you may have the foundation for a solid relationship.

Monica Mandell, Ph.D. is the Director of the Philadelphia office of Selective Search, the premiere (off-line) upscale matchmaking firm for the most eligible singles. Please send your questions to: monica@selectivesearch-inc.com