The Philly Characters We Saw on Election Day

One question loomed large in my mind as Philadelphia headed to the polls today: Who would Rocky Balboa vote for?

“The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows,” Rocky says in Rocky Balboa, but don’t think he’d like Donald Trump’s rhetoric about stolen elections. “Now if you know what you’re worth, now go out and get what you’re worth,” he says in the same speech. “But you gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers, saying you ain’t where you want to be because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that!”

So who knows who Rocky would vote for. But we do think you’ll see a bunch of famous Philly characters out on the streets today.

Trump Voters

Randolph and Mortimer Duke are telling people they voted for Gary Johnson, though.

Illegal Voters

Not all the news out of Philadelphia is good today. Police are on the lookout for this mannequin, who is suspected of casting an illegal vote.

Illegal Voters Two

This enchanted peasant girl, an undocumented immigrant, is suspected of attempting to vote in the election. She and her two accomplices are said to be on the move.

Dead Voters

This reporter witnessed at least one dead person casting a ballot today.

Two-Time Voters

This doctor is suspected of registering to vote under two different names and voting twice. The media has dubbed him “Dr. Facehands.”

Con Men Pretending to Be Blind

Police successfully stopped a man who allegedly tried to beg for change in a polling place.

Sound Engineers

There have also been reports of electioneering inside polling places. Fortunately, an expert is analyzing an audio recording to find out just what happened.

Hunky Heroes

In some places there are long lones at the polls and traffic jams on the streets, but one former UN investigator is battling through traffic to get people to the polls.

Hacks

And this cop-turned-cabbie is driving people to the polls and solving cases of suspected voter intimidation.

Supervillains

Thanks to his help, cops have already apprehended one suspect in several voter fraud cases.

People at High-Tech Voting Machines

Philadelphia’s new humanoid polls have been humming along with no problems.

People in Unique Polling Places

There are some interesting polling places in Philadelphia, like the First Community Church of Philadelphia. And the polls are so crowded it seems like everyone in the city is voting!

And Now … a Twist

Well, OK, not everyone.

Happy election day!

Follow @dhm on Twitter, where this silly post idea started.