Family Estrangement: How to Navigate Toxic Relationships Around the Holidays

The holidays can make family issues and estrangement more acute. / Photograph via Getty Images

In 1938, Harvard researchers embarked on the world’s longest scientific study, focusing on what makes people happy. It concluded with the following realization: The happiest people have good relationships. Positive relationships influence people’s lives for the better over decades and through generations.

Family isn’t a noun. It’s a verb requiring an ongoing group effort in order for the unit to function harmoniously. From a young age, most parents teach their children that family is paramount and that siblings should be each other’s best friends. So, what happens when just the opposite is true and you become estranged from the people that you assumed you would be able to count on the most throughout your life?

The definition of estrangement is “to be in a state of alienation from a familial relationship.” When estrangement occurs, it is not generally rooted in one circumstance, but rather foments over the course of decades. The most common reasons for a permanent schism are familial assets, parental favoritism, sibling rivalry, or when a member of the family has a significant other who causes strife and negativity. Mental health issues, drugs, and/or alcohol addictions can also be at the root of familial estrangement.

When looking back on one’s childhood, adolescence and early adulthood, those who decide to break away from a toxic family dynamic do so because there is an ongoing pattern that can no longer be endured. The constant barrage of insults, negativity, jealousy, and a general sense of not wanting another’s well-being over decades commonly leads to estrangement. Familial fracturing usually happens in early-to-later adulthood, when the person who chooses to step away from the dysfunction has a family of their own, and is faced with the realization that this toxicity is now affecting others generationally.

Earlier this year, Psychology Today reported that 25 percent of adults state that they are currently not on speaking terms with at least one member of their family.

Before making the decision to go down the path of estrangement, the following steps should be considered:

1. Speak to the person who is causing you the distress directly.

This may work best with the assistance of a neutral party or professional to help ensure the conversation stays constructive.

2. Go to family members that you trust for advice.

Often times these individuals reinforce that they have watched this toxicity unfold over many years and it has pained them. This insight gives the person walking away the strength to know it is not them who is at fault, and that the behaviors they have endured are not normal.

3. Seek the advice of close friends who have witnessed the family dysfunction.

Neutral voices can give a perspective that is not emotionally driven.

4. Seek out a professional who specializes in family therapy.

Assuming the affected individuals are motivated to better the relationship, therapists can bridge the gap and bring the members of the family together to try and work things out.

5. Join a support group.

Grief can exist in many forms. These include the death of someone close to you, the termination of a marriage, or the extinguishing of a deeply held family bond. When contemplating cutting off a toxic family relationship, the person assertively choosing to make this decision is often left to silently bereave. It is important to be in an environment where one can share the commonality of the estrangement experience.

Breaking away from a family member is a monumental decision. Many people go through a series of stages before feeling whole again. These may include: anger, disbelief, sadness, and ultimately relief and freedom. Feelings of insecurity are very normal when first breaking away because commonly, one hears the phrase “There are three sides to every story: his, hers, and the truth.”

With estrangement there is no middle ground. When destructive behaviors become insufferable and all other remedies have been exhausted, walking away may be the only healthy alternative. From a mental health professional’s perspective, when taking the final step to completely break away from a toxic family member, the singular thought process should be: SURVIVAL.

Realistic expectations are key. The option of a “happy birthday” text, or an invitation to a life-cycle event no longer exists. The only way to truly take care of oneself is to terminate the toxic relationship completely and begin to make one’s own healthy and happy future memories and relationships.

Monica Mandell is a relationship expert focusing on individual, couples and family therapy. David J. Steerman is partner and chair of the family law practice group at Klehr Harrison Harvey Branzburg LLP.