Jason Kelce’s Super Bowl Parade Speech, Annotated
You heard the oratorical masterpiece the Eagles center scream-shouted from the Art Museum steps. But do you know what it meant?
1 Among odes to underdogs, Kelce’s speech is perhaps underdog only to Robert Frost’s 1928 poem “Canis Major”:
I’m a poor underdog
But tonight I will bark
With the great Overdog
That romps through
the dark.
2 It’s difficult to argue that the “underdogs” angle was downplayed, but we’ll allow Kelce poetic license.
3 We think Kelce meant “relieved,” but we’ll cut him some slack. His meaning was clear. (Plus, we hear he’d been drinking.)
4 According to reports, Roseman, who’d been criticized for an inability to work with colleagues, spent his time in exile honing his people skills.
5 ESPN’s Ian O’Connor: “Feels like a reach”; USA Today’s Chris Chase: “blergh hire.”
6 The Philly Special!
7 “Jason Peters, as good as he was in 2016 when he wasn’t leaving the line of scrimmage too early, will be 35 next season.” —Bob Brookover, the Inquirer, January 5th, 2017
8 Big V … doesn’t understand that every single snap … it’s a fight.” —Seth Joyner rips Halapoulivaati Vaitai on Postgame Live, December 3rd, 2017
9 “Does not have the size or power to project as a starter.” —Kelce’s 2011 NFL combine profile
10 “It’s not nervousness or fear … I have, like, an obsession with the game.” —Brooks in 2016
Nick Foles11 don’t got it.
11 “There’s an aura of softness about him, no fire. Maybe it’s the hee-haw face.” —Buzz Bissinger, July 2014, Philadelphia magazine
Zach Ertz12 can’t block. Brent Celek’s too old.
12 Ertz’s high-school coach called him a “selfish jerk” in a 2017 blog post.
13 “Right now, I’m a bust.” —Graham’s 2012 self-assessment
Jalen Mills can’t cover. Patrick Robinson can’t cover.
It’s the whole team. It’s the whole team.
This entire organization, with a bunch of driven men to accomplish something. We were a bunch of underdogs14. And you know what an underdog is? It’s a hungry dog. And Jeff Stoutland15 has had this in our building for five years — it’s a quote in the O-line room that has stood on the wall for the last five years — “Hungry dogs run faster.” And that’s this team.
14 The owner of that Center City hot-dog shop Underdogs that closed a few years back must be just kicking himself right now. Can you even imagine how many dogs he’d have sold?
15 Stoutland is the Eagles’ offensive line coach. Fun fact: His name means “stout land.”
16 Yup! Still feels awesome!
Everybody wonders why we’re so mean. Everybody wonders why the Philadelphia Eagles’ aren’t the nicest fans. If I don’t eat breakfast, I’m fucking pissed off17!!!
17 My wife is the exact same way. She calls it being “hangry.”
18 True. Nine of ESPN’s 11 “experts” predicted the Eagles would lose … to the Falcons … in the divisional round.
19 Not technically true, but the hyperbole works.
20 Definitely true. In 2015, Sports Illustrated declared Eagles fans the most hated in the league.
21 True story: Kelce’s hairdresser’s husband hooked up the Mummer-wear; it was left over from Avalon String Band’s 2008 “Ire-land of Leprechauns” strut.
No one likes us, no one likes us,
No one likes us, we don’t care.
We’re from Philly, fucking Philly,
No one likes us, we don’t care.
E-A-G-L-E-S Eagles!
» See also: 14 Reasons Philly Is, Always Was, and Always Will Be an Eagles Town
Published as a part of “Remember That Time We Won the Super Bowl?” in the September 2018 issue of Philadelphia magazine.
