Is Your Partner Cheating?

Dear Monica, I think my husband is cheating but I am not 100 percent sure. How do I tell if I am being insecure or if he is really stepping out on me? — P. S., Haverford

Many people have experienced moments of suspicion about their partners acting on their wandering eyes. Is he making phone calls outside when at home? Having busy nights at the office? Breaking plans at the last minute? Are his sketchy ways an indication that he is cheating on you? If the following warning signs sound familiar, your suspicions may be well founded.

• He suddenly has a newfound consciousness regarding his appearance. Your couch potato has been focusing on cardio, lifting weights and watching what he eats. He is well-groomed and looking great. If his attentiveness to his appearance outweighs his attentiveness to you, it’s time to start keeping a close eye on your guy.
• His job is becoming more and more demanding. All of a sudden he has new “clients,” late meetings and dinners to attend. If he’s having trouble telling you exactly what he’s working on and where he’s been, you are not imagining anything.
• He is very secretive. He’s changing his password to his e-mail and cell phone. He never leaves his computer on anymore, and all of a sudden phone bills and credit card statements are being paid without you ever seeing them. Clearly he is covering something up.
• He is a changed man in the bedroom. We all have our hot and heavy weeks sprinkled with weeks of low libido. If he’s not in the mood to do it anymore, complaining of stress, exhaustion or just not feeling well, then something might be going on.
• He gets defensive at anything you tell him. He goes into combat mode when you ask simple questions about his day. If normal conversation makes him irritated, it’s time to dig a little deeper. A man who always has his back against the wall has something to hide.
• Out of the blue, he becomes Mr. Romantic. He may not be spending time with you, but flowers are arriving at work and presents are being purchased for no clear reason. This is a sign of guilt, not love.
• He’s not making time to be together as a couple. Being together is the number one priority. If he has excuses as to why he doesn’t have time to cuddle, have a romantic dinner or rent a movie, he may be creating distance for a reason.

Before jumping to conclusions or accusing your man of being unfaithful, remember the most important thing is open dialogue. Begin this process by having a date night where you’ve planned out what you want to talk about. If this approach doesn’t go well, consider enlisting the help of a professional. You don’t want to call him a cheater or a liar without any hard facts. Don’t resort to tailing him or buying him an office keepsake with a camera embedded in it. Treat each other with dignity and respect until you find out you are mistaken in doing so.

Monica Mandell, Ph.D. is the Director of the Philadelphia office of Selective Search, the premiere (off-line) upscale matchmaking firm for the most eligible singles. Please send your questions to: monica@selectivesearch.com