SS United States Burglary Suspects Make for Excellent Video

Surveillance images released by the Philadelphia Police Department of suspects from the SS United States burglary

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SS United States Burglary Suspects Make for Excellent Video

It’s not often that I share images from crimes in progress. After all, Steve Keeley has really cornered the market on the Philadelphia-is-an-awful-place-to-be beat. That said, it’s not every day that I get such impressive surveillance video, both in terms of the suspects’ methods on display and also the clarity of their faces in parts of the video.

For some backstory here, we learned on October 3rd that someone had allegedly stolen items, including batteries and tools, from the poor old SS United States, a.k.a. the IKEA boat, whose future seems to literally be underwater. And then I promptly forgot about the incident.

But then on Monday, police sent me surveillance video of what happened on the SS United States. And you’ve got to kind of love it. The use of the ropes and techniques they probably learned playing Call of Duty at 3 a.m. The scaling of the ship. And, of course, the bright and clear photos of the not-so-bright suspects’ faces. It’s no guy-crab-walking-out-of-prison video. But a good crime video nonetheless.

See below:

Police are asking for the public’s help to identify the suspects. I say the suspects should turn themselves into local legends. Make t-shirts. Pull a Meatball.

Local Trump Rally Doesn’t Go As Planned

Donald Trump popped on over to Oaks on Monday for a rally. If you have no idea where Oaks is, it’s a kind of weird industrial area just outside of Valley Forge National Park. Anyway, the Trump rally didn’t turn out the way it was supposed to. It was hot inside the venue. Someone appeared to faint, requiring medical assistance. Trump asked for “Ave Maria” to be played on the loudspeakers. Then someone else appeared to faint. More “Ave Maria.” Trump made a joke about how he likes the heat, because it helps him lose weight. And then, naturally, Trump decided to have the DJ play his favorite song of all time, “Y.M.C.A.” 6ABC with more on this strange edition of strange Trump rallies.

By the Numbers

2:36 a.m.: Time to turn on your TV overnight if you want to see today’s (tomorrow’s?) new episode of Jeopardy, which features a Philly-area contestant. You can blame the bump, which also affects Wheel of Fortune, on the 7 p.m. debate between incumbent Pennsylvania Senator Bob Casey and his challenger Dave McCormick. The latter lost to Dr. Oz in the 2022 Pennsylvania GOP Senate primary. I almost miss having Dr. Oz around. Such easy joke fodder.

$29 million: Cost to bring PATCO’s old Franklin Square station back to life. You should be able to ride to and from the station, which closed in 1979, in the early months of 2025. Once it debuts, Franklin Square will be the first stop in Philadelphia for PATCO riders coming from New Jersey or the last stop in Philadelphia for Philadelphians who inexplicably want to get to South Jersey. (I kid. I kid. Collingswood is nice.)

$22.35 billion: Size of Penn’s endowment after a 7.1 percent investment return over the last fiscal year. Sounds great until you learn that Columbia’s grew by 11.5 percent. In any event, both colleges prove that terribly bad PR has no effect on how much money you can earn, as plenty of Wharton grads could attest.

Local Talent

If you’re a fan of stand-up comedy, I’m here to tell you that one of the funniest comedians we have in Philly is the wonderfully self-deprecating Mary Radzinski, who has opened for the likes of Shane Gillis, Marc Maron, and Dave Attell. You can now see her first comedy special, Not Anymore, on YouTube here. Better yet? Check her out live at Helium Comedy Club in Center City this Sunday. More info on the show here.