The SS United States Is Running Out of Time

The SS United States in happier times, aka 2021. I assume we were happier then. / Photograph by Patrick Rapa

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Goodbye to the SS United States?

The clock is ticking on the SS United States. The once great luxury cruise liner used to haul people from Philadelphia to Europe and back for $181 roundtrip trip. Amenities included. Now it rusts and moans in the Delaware River, just across from a Longhorn Steakhouse.

The mighty behemoth has been a fixture on Philly’s shoreline — and from certain angles, its skyline — since 1996. Now its deadline day looms.

Over the years myriad ideas have been floated to rehab it, to strip it for parts (partially done), to turn it into some sort of amazing/haunted hotel. Obviously, little or nothing came of any of them. Why? Because ships of any size are an expensive pain in the ass, and this one’s huge: 990 feet long, 53 tons. No onboard rock wall or waterslide.

Which brings us back to the ticking: At this very moment the conservancy which owns the United States has nine days to find a new home for the mighty ship  (which the conservancy has said it continues to explore) or make other plans. September 12th. Judgment day.

At the moment, the frontrunner “other plan” would be kind of a bummer for the conservancy: hauling it to the Gulf of Mexico and sinking it off the coast of Florida, thus creating the world’s largest artificial reef. I always knew Florida would be involved when the United States finally sank.

Even the reef plan costs nine million dollars, but I suppose there’s some dignity in such a fate. That’s what we did with the SS Hooters Barge, after all.

“I’m Sorry,” Says Ms. Jackson

Philly radio personality Patty Jackson, the beloved Auntie of Pop Culture, likes to spill the tea on YouTube when it comes to news and gossip from the entertainment world. Apparently she got some bad intel last week, however, and erroneously reported the death of Oracene Price, mother and coach of tennis stars Venus and Serena Williams.

Two days later Patty apologized; apparently Ms. Price is alive and well.

“I made a terrible, terrible mistake earlier this week, and I’ve learned a mighty lesson,” Jackson said at the start of Thursday’s video. “The thing about mistakes — you gotta learn from ’em. You’re gonna make ’em. You gotta learn from ’em. And you have to own up.”

Those Kamala Eagles Ads

Did you see this? Did you hear about this? Somebody went around town putting up posters in SEPTA bus shelters this weekend declaring Kamala Harris the Official Candidate of the Philadelphia Eagles. But it’s not true! Scandal!

Are we all in agreement that this was pretty … meh? Like it’s just a lie, and not a witty one. Obvs, I’m no Conrad Benner, but I’m entitled to my casual opinions on street art. (I take photos sometimes.) IMHO this brief, doomed campaign was beneath us and our city. Well below the standards set by the city’s reigning wave of street artists, satirists and pranksters. Kid Hazo and Joe Boruchow, for example, they have skills and a message, usually. Putting Kamala Harris in a helmet? I guess.

(UPDATE: Sorry I missed this; the aforementioned Conrad commented on this topic with a Twitter thread full of photos of artists doing ad takeovers in Philly.)

But! This Republican counter-activist dude glue-sticking lo-rez printouts over the Kamala poster? That’s an artist. He doesn’t care who’s gonna clean that up.

Let’s give him a name. Shunksy. BornNbred. Shepard Barely. I’ll work on it.

Just Now: @eagles fan Joe from South Philly, taking matters into his own hands. He went to Staples to make copies of the Eagles’ statement regarding what the team calls the “counterfeit political ads” on city bus shelters. And pasted them over the unauthorized ad. 1/2 pic.twitter.com/TQG9azwNKU

— Steve Keeley (@KeeleyFox29) September 3, 2024

By the Numbers

1: Gritty has been named the best mascot in the NHL by Hockey News, which is basically’s Canada’s USA Today.

$500,000: Money raised so far in a GoFundMe for the family of Matthew Gaudreau. You probably heard that he and his brother, NHL star Johnny Gaudreau, were killed by a drunk driver in South Jersey last week. Matthew and his wife Madeline were expecting their first child in December.

83: Number worn by Michigan State long snapper Jackson Carson-Wentz. Everybody’s bad-joking about his name already, but I’m going to keep it classy with some advice: Joey Nick-Foles is waiting in the wings, man.

88: Age of Philly-born singer-actor James Darren, who passed away yesterday. Born James William Ercolani in the the Lower Moyamensing neighborhood, Darren was known for pop songs like “Goodbye Cruel World” and “Her Royal Majesty” in the early ’60s. He also appeared in several memorable movies and TV shows, including a pair of Gidget flicks, The Guns of Navarone, 66 episodes of TJ Hooker, and eight Deep Space Nines. His IMDB page speaks to a busy career of acting and TV directing. Now watch him narrate this short film about his honeymoon in Greece with Evy Norlund.