Bozo Gunmen Attempt Worst Casino Heist Ever

Suspects in Valley Forge Casino heist

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At Valley Forge Casino, Bozo Gunmen Attempt Worst Casino Heist Ever

I feel like I’ve seen similar plots play out in plenty of movies, especially from the great film-noir era. Crew of down-on-their-luck ne’er-do-wells plans a daring robbery at a bank. They think they’re going to get away with a million bucks. Or maybe more. But things don’t go according to plan, for one reason or another, and they walk away just as penniless as they were before. If they walk away at all.

It’s not exactly clear the reason, but what is clear is that things didn’t go according to plan at Valley Forge Casino on Tuesday night for two masked gunmen who attempted to pull off what will become known as the Worst Casino Heist Ever.

According to police, the two men walked into the FanDuel sports-book section of Valley Forge Casino just before 11 p.m. on Tuesday. They pulled guns. They demanded money.

The FanDuel sports book is actually the most successful sports book in the entire state. It pulled in $233.6 million in revenue last year. So maybe the geniuses with the guns did some math. Maybe they figured that if you divide $233,600,000 by 365 days in the year, you get $640,000. Theoretically, the sports book could have had that amount or more sitting around on Tuesday. And that’s not to mention the cash a guy with a gun might get from a loaded patron.

In any event, their demands for money apparently didn’t have the desired effect. Nobody — not cashiers, not patrons — gave them a cent. It’s unclear why. Fortunately, nobody was injured. All the suspects made away with, say police, is an employee tip jar containing all of $120. According to investigators, two other suspects were waiting in a getaway car. So that’s a whopping $30 per person. Plus a good stint behind bars if caught and convicted.

Ocean’s Eleven this was not.

Meanwhile, it’s fair to say that the operators of Valley Forge Casino are trying to figure out how, in a business with cameras and security everywhere, two guys with guns and masks could get as far as they did. “It just shows that people are not really on their jobs, and not really being attentive to what they’re supposed to be doing,” one Valley Forge Casino patron suggested to 6 ABC.

Controversial Main Line Billionaire Jeff Yass for Secretary of the Treasury?

Bloomberg reports that controversial Main Line billionaire Jeff Yass is on Donald Trump’s short list for Treasury Secretary, should Trump become president again.

Yass is, of course, the founder of Susquehanna International Group, a trading firm in Bala Cynwyd. He also owns a sizable chunk of TikTok — a particularly notable holding these days, given the battle in Washington over the app. (ICYMI: Trump just flip-flopped on banning TikTok after Yass intervened.) And he is both the richest person in Pennsylvania (by a lot!) and one of the biggest political donors in the entire country.

Well, as far as candidates for Secretary of the Treasury go, it can’t be said that Yass isn’t good with money, I guess.

Judging the Judge

A headline from the Inquirer: “Philly judge broke state law when she ruled on cases she hadn’t heard then left for Florida, disciplinary court says.” Apparently, you’re not supposed to do that.

Those Darn Bikes

While Jim Kenney and the previous police commissioner didn’t seem to have a clue what to do about those illegal ATVs and dirt bikes that plague Philadelphia, the new people in charge seem to have a better handle on the situation. On the first day this year to hit 60 degrees (this was a few weeks back), a special task force confiscated 15 illegal bikes. And in total so far this year, that number is up to 75.

An Important Reminder

It’s Paddy’s Day or St. Patrick’s Day — never, ever St. Patty’s Day! Philly’s favorite Irishman explains why all the fuss.

By the Numbers

$6.29 billion: Size of Mayor Cherelle Parker’s first budget proposal. The budget includes lots of funding for public safety, of course. But there’s also cash for a huge planned addition to the Central Library, the I-95 cap, and the Community College of Philadelphia. And there’s plenty of funding to clean up the city and keep it that way. As for tax rates: no increases! But also, no decreases.

28: Years the historic S.S. United States has remained docked at a pier in South Philly. (Yes, it’s the huge ship you see when you go to IKEA.) It’s the fastest ocean liner to ever cross the Atlantic, which it did in three days, 10 hours, and 40 minutes. That was in 1952. But now, the once-majestic ship faces eviction.

53,251: Residents Philadelphia lost since the start of the pandemic, according to census numbers. Now if we could only convince some of those dirt bikers to relocate! I kid, I kid.

Local Talent

Two local-talent worlds collided this week when man-of-Jenkintown Bradley Cooper made a cameo on Abbott Elementary, the hit sitcom from Philly-born-and-raised Quinta Brunson. Cooper played himself on the episode. A student brought him in for show-and-tell. The problem was, none of the second-graders had a clue who he was. The Atlantic weighed in on the cameo and why it made so much sense.

Reader Mail

In Monday’s column, I talked about Oscar-winner Da’Vine Joy Randolph of Mount Airy and local Oscar nominees Colman Domingo and Bradley Cooper, neither of whom won. But it so happens that there is another Oscar-winner among us from Sunday night’s ceremony, as one very special reader told me.

Wrote Tony Lame:

FYI, Philly had another Oscar winner: my daughter Jennifer Lame, who won best editor for Oppenheimer. She grew up here in Wynnewood and graduated from Episcopal Academy.

She recently edited the movie that’s now playing at the Sphere in Vegas called Postcard from Earth (very cool). And she’s now working with the Sphere people on some other projects for that venue. She’s done two films for Christopher Nolan (Tenet and Oppenheimer) and I’m betting he will want her for his next project whatever that may be.

I happily stand corrected!

And From the Battlin’-Back Sports Desk …

But first, the looking-forward: The Sixers play the Bucks tonight at 8 p.m. in Milwaukee. The 42-24 Bucks are in second place in the Eastern Conference; the 36-29 Sixers, who are 10-21 since losing Joel Embiid, now inhabit seventh place.

Did the Phillies Play?

They got a slow start against the Tigers yesterday, down 1-0 in the fourth on a solo homer by Matt Vierling off starter Aaron Nola, who went four and two-thirds innings this go-round. But that was all Detroit wrote, and there was a solo homer by DH Whit Merrifield in the sixth:

Whit Merrifield goes yard for the second time this spring! (There’s actual video proof this time) pic.twitter.com/Jsn0g5zteS

— Phillies Nation (@PhilliesNation) March 13, 2024

Followed by a three-run eighth inning …

Kody Clemens does it all!

A leadoff triple and an advancement on a wild pitch gives the Phillies the lead in the bottom of the 8th. pic.twitter.com/7i68wFCdYd

— Blake (@BlakeIFox) March 13, 2024

And it all added up to a 4-1 Phils win.

Any Doop News?

Just an upcoming Saturday match against Austin FC in Austin. No word yet on a reschedule for last weekend’s rained-out match against Seattle at Subaru Park. Oh, and in case you aren’t yet on the Union bandwagon, better get with it. The team is planning to expand seating at their home base to accommodate the crush of fans.

And in College Hoops?

George Mason was within three points of St. Joe’s with a minute to go after a second-half push, but the Hawks held on for a 64-57 win on the Atlantic 10 tournament’s opening day. As their prize, the ninth-seeded Hawks get to play top-seeded Richmond today at 11:30 a.m. Meantime, in Fort Worth, the Temple Owls led UTSA at the half, 35-21, in the first round of the AAC tournament. The Roadrunners outscored the Owls in the bottom half and pulled within one with five minutes left, but the Flaco-esque Owls remained unflappable despite their tough season and got the win, 64-61.

And in the Big East tournament, Villanova, seeded sixth, got the prime-time treatment against 11th-ranked DePaul last night, tipping off at 9 p.m. as a 24-point favorite. The Wildcats got out to an early lead in what became a low-scoring affair; tournament nerves can do that to ya. Halfway through the first half, the score was all of 12-9. But DePaul fought back and took the lead with two minutes to go, 20-19, though they held it for less than a minute. At the half, the ’Cats were clinging to a paltry 27-25 lead.

Post-break, the Blue Demons, whatever those are, went ahead again four minutes in, and there was worse bad news: Doylestown’s own Jordan Longino went down with a knee blow. He was soon back on the bench, but scoring was still unspeakably sparse. Coach Kyle Neptune was trying desperately to inspire his troops, and they tied it back up with nine minutes to go, then took back the lead, 43-42, and the seesaw began. The announcers considered the close game a shocker, and it was. DePaul led by two with 40 seconds to go, and they had the ball. But in the literal last seconds, Justin Moore hit a long three, TJ Mamba tipped a steal, and it was a one-point robbery: 58-57 Villanova.

https://twitter.com/MarchMadnessMBB/status/1768116322372604069

Whew. The Flyers also play.

All Philly Today sports coverage is provided by Sandy Hingston.