Stupid Groundhog Sees Stupid Shadow

Groundhog Club handler John Griffiths holds Punxsutawney Phil this morning in Gobbler’s Knob | AP Photo: Gene J. Puskar

Punxsutawney Phil, a stupid groundhog who predicts the weather in a stupid annual tradition, saw his stupid shadow this morning. We’ll have six more weeks of stupid winter as a result.

Per media reports, the stupid groundhog “squealed” when he was pulled out of his burrow by a bunch of stupid guys in stupid top hats and stupid tuxedos. This all happened at Gobbler’s Knob, which is a stupid name for a place.

Then the stupid groundhog saw his stupid shadow. Actually, the stupid men in stupid top hats and stupid tuxedos — known as the Inner Circle (which is, yes, a stupid name) — decide on the forecast ahead of time and just happen to announce it this morning.

Happy Groundhog Day! pic.twitter.com/7JzcUGdlzt

— Dan McQuade (@dhm) February 2, 2016

Groundhog Day developed out of a stupid ancient Celtic and Germanic tradition that says winter will last longer if a stupid groundhog sees its stupid shadow. There are lots of stupid weather-forecasting traditions on February 2nd, including a stuffed groundhog (Poor Richard) in York and Octarara Orphie in Lancaster County. These are also stupid.

Here’s another stupid thing that happened on February 2nd once: In 2014, New York Mayor Bill de Blasio — who New Yorkers think is doing a stupid job, per polls — dropped their weather-forecasting groundhog, Staten Island Chuck. That groundhog later died. The new version of Chuck this year predicted an early spring. This is still stupid, but less so.

There is some good news: Stupid Phil is right only 39 percent of the time, so I am calling him “stupid” with some evidence here.

Of course, if he’d said an early spring were on the way this year, the tone of this article would’ve been slightly different.