7 (Non-Sexy) Halloween Costumes That Don’t Suck

Let’s get one thing straight before we begin: I’m not a fan of any costume that has the word “sexy” tacked to it. Sexy pirate? No. Sexy Santa? No. Sexy ghost/zombie/bee/stewardness/pilgrim: No, no, huh?, no, no. Halloween costumes aren’t supposed to be sexy. Please just stop.

Moving on. There is a whole lot of crap out there when it comes to costume-hunting. We sifted through it all—and tried to keep the price point low because we feel like you should spend your money on this (pause for squeal) instead of, well, this. (Although if you do buy this, you are invited to my Halloween party.)

Here, in no particular order, are costumes that—while not sexy—are worth wearing this Halloween.

Copy the makeup, and it’s a creepy winner. Dead Bride, $49.99 at Spirit.

 

Okay, so the description doesn’t exactly make sense, and it’s our most expensive pick, but if you’re going to go all out, do so with this. Colonial Marie Antoinette, $289.99 at Amazon.

 

How to go body-con without looking ridiculous. (Also, it comes with the headpiece!) Mummified queen, $79.99 at Fierce Costumes. 

 

I love everything about this. Tim Burton’s Alice In Wonderland Red Queen, $$59.99 at Spirit.

 

In all seriousness, I’m loving the frothy tulle detail at the shoulders, and I would like someone to make me a dress with this. Gothic wedding, starting at $58.99 at HalloweenCostumes.com.

 

Proof that an Alice costume exists that isn’t outrageously short. Alice In Wonderland, $37.99 at Amazon.

 

I’m not exactly sure what a Royal Vampiress is, but I’m digging the puff sleeves and peplum. Royal Vampiress, $76.73 at Amazon.