The Types of Men You Meet on Grindr and the Myriad Other Gay Hookup Apps You Should Probably Stop Using

#ChestDay!

Social media knows no bounds. People are on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Linkedin, Pinterest, Tumblr, and whatever else is going to be introduced tomorrow. (Hello, Ello?) Everyone is everywhere without ever actually going anywhere. With everything people have accomplished using social media (go, Twitter sleuths!), that leaves the question many people ask: How can I add hooking up to my social media experience? Well there’s good news for lusty fellows out there looking to find their next rendezvous via their phones, because there’s an app for that. In fact, there’s like twenty or thirty.

The most popular one, arguably, is Grindr. For those of you who don’t know, Grindr is a phone app that helps gay men find other gay men in their immediate area so they can meet up and, well let’s face it, do the nasty.

When you sign up for Grindr, you’ll find a list of verifiers that indicate what fellow users are looking for on the app. They could either looking for:

• Dating. Okay, fine. Makes sense.
• Relationship. “I met my boyfriend on Grindr, he’s the love of my life.” Shut up.
• Friends. “I’m just here for friends, thanks.” On Grindr? Have you ever heard of Facebook? Or outside? If you’re looking for friends, then why is your hand on that ambiguous hard on?
• Chat. Whatever.
• And my personal favorite: Networking. Right. You’re “networking” at 3am with your shirt off.

Other people use Grindr to promote events and parties. Is that really your target audience? Users aren’t looking for a party, well unless said party is an orgy, then you’ll get people from Grindr to join up and pay the $10 cover.

There are many types of people you can meet on Grindr. Most of them normal. But there are also very distinct personalities that reveal themselves on the app. First is the shirtless twink posing in his bright teal underwear making a ‘duck face,’ which, by the way, is a horribly unattractive way to pose for a picture. What are you trying to accomplish? Silly. Stop it, Daisy.

Another type you’ll find on Grindr is the 24-hour sex pig looking for dick any time, anywhere, with anyone. Gross. These are the guys that send you a message that reads, “sup? Looking?” followed by a dick pic that you didn’t ask for. If I wanted to see your slightly above-average uncut cock, I’d ask to see your slightly above-average uncut cock, thank you.

There’s even a bonus type of person you’ll find on Grindr. Straight girls. I kid you not. Fag hags jump on Grindr to find their next gay BFF. Talk about not knowing your audience. What, do they think that a horny drunk gay dude scrolling through Grindr looking for tail is going to come across Jessica’s profile and think, “Oh! Perfect! I’ll just put my dick away and go have mimosas with this bitch!” Ridiculous. Get on Tinder. You can’t sit with us.

I know all you straight people think you’re cute with your Tinder, but you should take a look at all the apps we gays have at our disposal outside of Grindr. There’s Scruff, Growler (basically the bear-version of Grindr, which confused me because I always thought Scruff was the bear-version of Grindr, but maybe it’s just the daddy version of Grindr and I’m just confusing daddies with bears? I digress…) There’s Manhunt, Adam4Adam, DudesNude, GayRomeo, Squirt (ew!), Justguys, Hornet, Jack’d, Boyahoy, GuySpy, Bros4Bros, Recon, ManPlay, Bender, Mister, U2nite, and many more I’m sure. And these apps all do the same thing! Why do we need that many apps for the same thing? I get capitalism, free market, blah blah blah, but this is excessive.

I find it funny to see gay men in gay bars scrolling through these apps. You’re in a gay bar; you’re surrounded by horny drunk gay men, why don’t you talk to one of them? Not satisfied by them? Go to another bar! Talk to people in person. Stop scrolling through profiles of people you don’t know asking for anonymous sex. If that’s your thing, rock on sister. But maybe try putting the phone down and talking to that guy who’s making eyes at you, you won’t have to ask for his face pic.