Here Are Some More Philadelphia Neighborhoods We Could Rename

Earlier this week, Philebrity noted a particularly awesome posting on the Fishtown Spirit’s Facebook page:

Northern Liberties II! “The hysteria this caused was unbelievable,” a commenter wrote, “reigniting the ol’ oldhead vs. newbie debates.”

Though the rumor is ridiculous, the reasoning behind it certainly isn’t: Fishtown does feel more like Northern Liberties nowadays. And not even the Nolibs of 10 years ago. Fishtown has its cache of gimmick bars near Frankford and Girard — a better stand-in for the Nolibs area in and around the Piazza. Approximately 85 new pizza places have opened in the last year. (Note: The last time I made a joke like this, people asked me, “Wow! Eighty-five?!” Please note this number is an exaggeration for comedic effect. It’s actually 81.) Fishtown feels like it’s getting younger and hipper — occasionally, this means “douchier.” So, just like Northern Liberties!

Of course, no one wants to rename Fishtown. The people who just moved there who were scared of it five years ago want that mentioned–in-the–New York Times cachet that goes along with the Fishtown name! But we could rename it Northern Liberties II, if we wanted to be jerks. It got me thinking about other sections of the city we could rename if we were jerks, and I came up with a few:

Old Neighborhood Name: Chestnut Street West of Broad (Chestnut West?)
New Neighborhood Name: Old City West

Here’s a problem with renaming neighborhoods: Sometimes, you don’t even know what a neighborhood’s name is! This Center City District map tells me Chestnut Street West of Broad is Logan Square. That puts not only Chestnut West (for lack of a better term) in Logan Square but also all of the Penn Center office high-rises and the Comcast Center. Do those neighborhoods really seem like Logan Square? No. This is one that actually kind of does need a new name!

Anyway, the stretch of Chestnut West of broad has a Continental, a Drinkers and lots of other meat market bars frequented by the clientele stereotypical of Old City. We could call it Old City West! OC West if you’re trying to be quick about saying it.

Old Neighborhood Name: Spruce Hill
New Neighborhood Name: Park Slope South

Think West Philly is all crust punks and soccer in the Clark Park bowl? Not so! Please. Sit outside any coffee shop out there and all you see are baby carriages. Yes, I apologize for the New York reference but this “Park Slope South” nickname was a joke among my friends, like, seven years ago. I don’t even know if Park Slope is like that anymore! I think it’s much fancier now. But any time you finally get to get an old joke into an article, you jump at that chance.

Old Neighborhood Name: The Gayborhood
New Neighborhood Name: Midtown Village

Ha ha, just kidding. Wait, you mean they actually did this? Years ago?!

Old Neighborhood Name: Fairmount
New Neighborhood Name: Fuckmount

Unless they live there, the only time Philadelphians go to Fairmount is if they’re sleeping with someone in Fairmount.

Old Neighborhood Name: Port Richmond
New Neighborhood Name: Rich Portmond

I dunno, this is pretty funny. I think it will be my fake name from now on.

Old Neighborhood Name: Society Hill
New Neighborhood Name: Washington Square East

This, honestly, would just simplify things.

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