10 Ideas for a New Pennsylvania State Song
This past week, Massachusetts state reps—apparently very bored what with all that bone-dry sequestration talk—filed a bill to make the Massachusetts “state rock song” Aerosmith’s “Dream On.”
So the issue’s settled: Massholes are the worst. The news did, however, make me wonder why Pennsylvania doesn’t have a government-sealed head-banger of its own. We have a state song: the annoyingly hymnal “Pennsylvania,” signed into law in 1990, but shouldn’t we, the people, pick?
Here, 10 viable candidates for Pennsylvania’s new state song. Take your pick, and if you’re so moved, write to Harrisburg.
1. Bloodhound Gang, “Pennsylvania”
This Collegeville-born band lobbied in the late ’90s to legally change the state song to this idiosyncratic, emo-punk anthem, which asks, “Do you even know what a Wawa is girl?” Like the song’s melody, the campaign went nowhere.
2. Emerald Rose, “No Booze Today.”
In which they jauntily sing, “No booze today! No booze today! You can’t get booze on Sunday! No booze today! No booze today! You better come back on Monday!” Very few things are more “Pennsylvania” than our fraught relationship with our Quaker history. This song is perhaps a bit too jolly for its subject matter, but it’s still nice and topical.
3. Steely Dan, “Pretzel Logic”
This bluesy, rambling ballad has absolutely nothing to do with pretzels (our official state snack, declared no one), but its straightforward melody and folksy lyrics feel just right for the Keystone State.
4. Weird Al’s “Amish Paradise”
A little predictable, perhaps, but we can hardly ignore our Amish brethren.
5. Vaughn Horton, “Pennsylvania Turnpike, I Love You”
It’s tough to find a common thread unifying Pennsyltucky and the state’s more urban hives. This musical ode to 76 would accomplish exactly that.
6. Slayer, “Hardening of the Arteries”
What Pennsylvania lacks in booze, we make up for in cream. That’s not quite Slayer’s subject matter here, but with all the trash-screeching, no one would ever know.
7. AC/DC, “Back in Black”
I was skeptical of this one. But as my colleague put it, “it’s a song of perseverance, it’s one of the best metal/hard rock songs of all time (and PA is very much into hard rock/metal), and it’s a song about being an outlaw … You want your state song to rock.” And I guess if stodgy old Massachusetts gets Aerosmith …
8. Tenacious D, “The Government Totally Sucks”
Budget cuts. Lottery privatization. AVI overhaul. Lots to hate on these days. Timeliness, and a couple Ben Franklin mentions, make this a front-runner.
9. Afroman, “Pennsylvania Pimpin””
Sample lyric: “She from Penn State, I’m from the state pen.” It’s crude, it’s chauvinist, and performed by a guy from California, but where else will we find State College, Pottstown, Schoolly D, Dr. J, and the Declaration of Independence mentioned in ONE song? Video is NSFW.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WCXwTcZ1mAA
I saw that smirk. What, you’re not tapping your foot right now?
