Megan Fox Doesn’t Want Bipolar Negativity In Her Life

Newsflash for inkheads and readers of lad mags: Megan Fox is removing one of her tattoos. (By removing, I think she means someone will scrape her skin off and then graft new skin on, which will be painful and not even work really—but whatev.) The tattoo she hopes to get rid of is a portrait of Marilyn Monroe. She told the Italian women’s magazine Amica that Monroe is “a negative character, as she suffered from personality disorders and was bipolar. I do not want to attract this kind of negative energy in my life.”

I’m guessing that’s not exactly what she said. I think she said something in English, it got translated for Amica into Italian, and that Italian version got translated back into English for websites like CelebrityGossip.com. (Just flexing those attenuated translation-studies muscles.) Even taking strained translation into account, we can assume this: She’s getting rid of the tattoo because she feels having bipolar disorder brings negativity. (Side note: I’m not sure who she thought Marilyn Monroe was when she got the tattoo. I mean, it’s not like she was Susan Sontag or something. She was famous for being damaged and dying tragically. Bipolar disorder would have been the least of her problems.)

Fortunately, I have some advice for Megan Fox that, should she choose to follow it, may obviate the need for this painful procedure.

MEGAN FOX, HERE IS HOW TO AVOID NEGATIVITY IN YOUR LIFE:

1. Do not compare the director of your extremely successful film franchise to Hitler. Especially if the producer is Steven Spielberg.
2. Do not make your film debut in a straight-to-DVD feature with the Olsen twins.
3. Do not hook up with your co-star while you’re involved with someone else. The co-star will tell.
4. Do not make films like Jonah Hex.
5. Do not make films like Jennifer’s Body.
6. Do not make films like How to Lose Friends & Alienate People.
7. Do not make films like Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen.
8. Do not make films like Bad Boys II.
9. Do not make a film with Mickey Rourke that’s so bad, even he calls it “terrible.”
10. Do not wait until it’s too late to fix things. (“I don’t want to have people get completely sick of me before I’ve ever done anything legitimate.”)
11. Do not win a worst actress Razzie for two movies in one year.
12. Do not tell reporters you smoke weed. People will mock you.
13. Do not announce an engagement and then break it off and then announce it again. People will mock you.
14. Do not wear several of your stepson’s t-shirts to show off your abs. It’s just creepy.
15. Do not upload photos of your forehead to Facebook to prove you haven’t had Botox injections. People will mock you.

I could go on, but I think I’ve made my point. Given the people who are thought to have had bipolar disorder—Florence Nightingale, Edvard Munch, Edgar Allen Poe, Stephen Fry, Virginia Woolf, Townes Van Zandt, Liz Spikol, etc.—you could do a lot worse than have someone with that illness on your arm.