12 Wonderfully Questionable Purchases That Prove You’re Really Into Electoral Politics
What a crazy couple of week it’s been, right? First it was the RNC in Cleveland, and now there’s the DNC here in Philly. Such large-scale political events are inevitably horrifying and inspiring. There will be some who’ll be alienated by our two-party system entirely after the conventions, but the vast majority of us will continue to follow the electoral/political drama of 2016, which, given the candidates and the rhetoric, feels more like binge-watching a particularly sadistic season of House of Cards. For election-year junkies, there are plenty of ways to show that you’re really passionate about American electoral politics — and what’s more American than buying a lot of highly dubious crap? (Nothing. There is nothing more American than that.) Here are some recommended items to satisfy your capitalist jones between now and November.
Donald Trump Playboy Magazine
Here’s a coffee-table conversation piece to get the political conversation flowing. In March 1990, Donald Trump was less orange than today, and less interested in the presidency, too. In the Playboy interview within the pages of this magazine, he says, “The Presidency? No, that takes an election and it is clear that Trump is not that patient. Too much to do!” If you ask me, no one who speaks about himself in the third-person should be allowed to be president. Or allowed to speak, for that matter. $45.
Cosby Vote Sweater
Speaking of sexual harassers, here’s a vintage Cosby-style sweater that speaks as eloquently as cotton knit can when it comes to the Democratic process. With a donkey on the front and the word “Dem.,” it’s not a bipartisan sweater, but it is well punctuated. $175.
Win Necklace
Hmm. This is vague. “WIN.” Win what? For whom? Whatever. It’s America. Just win that shit. $20.
Walnut Donkey
This is folk art, which makes it very by-the-people-for-the-people. What once was a walnut is now a Democratic donkey, with a strange expression on its face. Actually, the word that comes to mind is “sheepish. Don’t worry, little donkey: Many nuts become Democrats, myself included. Zing! $23.
Bare-Chested Uncle Sam VOTE Watch
Okay, I know, no one wears watches anymore. But if you did, wouldn’t you want to wear this one? Aside from the fact that it goes with absolutely anything, the wee Uncle Sam on its face is tearing his shirt open to reveal his naked chest like a frickin’ superhero. The seller says the watch doesn’t run anymore, but then again, neither does our government! (I got million of these, folks! Don’t go away!). $10.
Wheaton Glass Co. 1972 Democratic Campaign Decanter
Feeling blue about this election? Start drinking yourself into a stupor out of this glass decanter, which is from 1972, a darker year in U.S. politics. Democrat George McGovern‘s pick for veep, Thomas Eagleton, who’s pictured on this objet, got ousted from the race after it was revealed he’d been hospitalized for depression. McGovern’s own antiwar campaign suffered a bruising loss to Richard Nixon — and we all know how that turned out. Drink up!
Oval Office Desk
If you think you might not like what’s going to go down in the Oval Office in the future, you can create your own delusional alternative universe by buying what’s called the Resolute Desk, an exact repro of the famous desk in the Oval. Sign your own bills into law! Make your own statements to the American people! Get a blow job from an intern while on the phone with a Central American diplomat! If you want to get really grandiose, you can buy other Oval furnishings as well, but it’ll cost you: The desk alone is $7,995.
Mailers Union Photo
Think it’s not possible that the U.S. will ever see a federal minimum wage hike to $15/hour? Maybe that’s how the guys in this photo felt about getting an eight-hour workday, but they fought for it anyway, and they won. Hang this vintage photo somewhere prominent in your house to inspire you to fight the good fight and remind you of the importance of organized labor — though I have to say, these union guys don’t resemble any union guys I know; they look more like a supersized barbershop quartet. Note the guy on the far left, who’s gazing up into the sky. He’s all, “I’d rather be at home right now, on my sofa, listening to the Victrola…” $125.
Peace Sign Election Hat
If your taste in hats is more idiosyncratic than that of the union a capella singers above, you might want this gigantic, plush, stars-and-stripes hat to wear on Election Day, or maybe just while campaigning. If you’ll be knocking on doors for your candidate, this is a good way to make sure the homeowner doesn’t slam the door in your face. They’ll see your head sagging beneath the weight of your synthetic expression of patriotism, and take pity on you. “My hat is thirsty. Do you have any water?” is a good opening gambit. $69.99
Archie Bunker for President T-shirt
I may be dating myself by professing my affection for this shirt, which satirically supports the racist, misogynist, homophobic All in the Family star for the nation’s highest office. But the Norman Lear/Carol O’Connor character — which actually inspired a whole line of buttons and pseudo-campaign paraphernalia — has relevance today. Lawrence Rosenthal, executive director of the Berkeley Center for Right-Wing Studies at the University of California, has argued that Archie is running for president — in the body of Donald Trump. Poisonally (as the Bunkers would have said), I’d rather vote Edith.
Politricks 69 Poster
How juvenile are you? Do you make lots of dick jokes and have a mug that says, “DEEZ NUTS 2016”? If so, this is the poster for you. It’s a “69” image of a donkey and an elephant that can be hung from either top or bottom, as the words “6POLITRICKS9” are written on both ends. Probably a good gift for the Bernie Bro in your life.
I saw this Bernie supporter wearing a onesie at City Hall, and he was getting a lot of attention from press and onlookers. I thought perhaps it was his own design, but no, it can be purchased online right here. It’s actually called the Bernie Sanders Paparazzi Onesie, and it’s made to order. I don’t advise wearing it in a heatwave, though: This guy looked pretty unhappy. $99.84.
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