Top Chef All-Stars: Mission: Impastable

Welcome back once again, readers! We probably needed that week off to mourn Marcel’s departure, no? Picking up where they left off, we start with the ever-expanding Isabella talking a steaming pile of sh*t about the little wood sprite, saying “If he wasn’t the leader, he’d probably still be here.” Nobody likes this abrasiveness, but how can a New Jersey Italian be any other way?

On to the Quickfire, which was the worst Quickfire in all of Top Chef history. Bravo brings in Isaac Mizrahi for some cross-promotion, and instead of cooking food to eat, the cheftestants merely have to make something pretty. Not really knowing how this thing’s going to be judged (Mizrahi’s a bit of a wild card), the cheftestants draw inspiration from books (Antonia), graffiti (Dale), and “crocadiles” (Angelo. And yes he painted that misspelling all by his grown-up self). Since it was all about food styling, none of the dishes looked all that appetizing, and Mizrahi in all his overdramatic glory chides the chefs for somehow missing the point of the challenge. But wasn’t the point just to promote your stupid fashion reality show, Isaac? Whatever, this challenge sucked for everyone but Blais, who won immunity with his black chocolate ice cream, menthol crystals, herbal salad, and mint ice cream dots. Way to take full advantage of that liquid nitrogen tank, Rich. I’m putting him in the finals right now.

With no time to catch their breath, the cheftestants are introduced to some heavy hitters from Rao’s, the legendary Harlem Italian restaurant where you can only get a table if you’re a racketeer or play one in the movies. Tre thinks the Elimination Challenge is going to be snipping fingers, but instead, it’s an Italian food challenge. Duh, Tre. The cheftestants have to cook the traditional three-course meal of antipasti, primi, and secondi. Fabio is over la luna, but so are Antonia and Isabella, who claims that he’s the favorite. Tre—the self-styled Black Italian—is also excited, and perhaps a tad too overconfident. It’s a simple enough challenge, and that’s the key. The crew from Rao’s give each of the teams some pointers, including the KISS method, and it’s on to Whole Foods for some frantic shopping.

At dinner, the judges are joined by Tony Bourdain, Lorraine Bracco, and Rao’s bartender, Nicky “The (rainbow-sequined) Vest” Zaloumis. For antipasti, it’s Tiffany, Carla, and Antonia, making polenta with sausage, minestrone, and mussels, respectively. The diners go nuts over these three, and we’re on to the next course, a literal mess of pasta. Isabella made rigatoni from scratch and didn’t cook it properly (even after Rao’s dude said it was cool to use dried pasta); Dale made pasta with no sauce and managed to render the flavor out of his pancetta; and Tre’s risotto was too firm, leaving the diners with a bad taste in their mouth. The secondi fared much better, but not as well as the first-course girls. Still, Fabio’s chicken cacciatora with polenta was a home run, as was Blais’ pancetta cutlet. Angelo oversauced his pork chop, but it was a split decision for him.

It’s pretty clear that the primi team would be on the bottom, and we’ll get to that, but first, let’s talk about the winners, all of team antipasti and Fabio. Tiffany was in tears, another indicator of the stress levels at this point in the game, but she was all too happy to be among the top dishes. Carla was pretty much just Carla, crazy and witchy-looking, talking about love. Fabio’s strategy of nostalgia worked, but not as well as Antonia’s successful attempt at keeping things simple, and she won with her mussels (?). I think Fabio stayed truer to the challenge, but I suppose that’s why I’m not at Judges’ table. Well, that and the fact I am neither a six-foot tall Indian woman nor a guy with more hair on his chin than his head. Back to the losers, none of whom were surprised to be on the bottom, and none of whom argued while there. In fact, they were all as sheepish as can be, offering apologies instead of excuses (except for Tre’s pushback on the firmness of his risotto). It was anybody’s loss, but Tre’s Arborio abuse was the most offensive pasta punishment, and ultimately sent him and his knives home. Next week, the cheftestants get to cook for Jimmy Fallon. Fingers crossed that he gets poisoned.