How To: Inviting Trouble

When the Sky’s Not the Limit
Once you’ve established an ideal iteration of your guest list, compare it to budgetary or space constraints you have and determine whether you have to whittle it down. Kendall Brown, owner of NoLibs-based Eclatante Event Design, helps her clients start this process by posing questions: “How long has it been since you’ve seen these people? What is your motivation for inviting them? What are the repercussions of not inviting them?”

There’s one common solution: Give each set of parents an equal number of attendees and keep a certain number for yourselves—out of a guest list of 200, you might allot 50 guests to each parent group and 100 guests for you and your groom. Your parents or future in-laws are asking for more people than you have space for? Brown recommends that you discuss the guest list in mathematical terms. Calculating the cost of their wish list and comparing it to your budget helps “get the emotion out of it,” Brown says, while (gently) imparting the need to streamline.

Cutting your guest list isn’t simply a numbers game. “It’s also a matter of hospitality,” says Brown. Squeezing 250 people into a space optimal for 200 means more than guests being wedged together at their tables: “I tell people, ‘Your guests are going to spend the entire time in line for the bathroom.’” And while we hope you won’t find yourself in a situation like Clare’s, if you do learn that people you can’t invite are expecting to attend, you have to tackle the situation head-on. Brown recommends that “the bride’s mother or father — or whoever has the relationship with that person — pick up the phone” and tactfully explain why you’ve had to limit your number of invitees. For Clare, all it took was a thoughtful e-mail to her uncle, explaining that she had to tailor her guest list to match her venue’s capacity. To set things right, he called everyone back.

Now, two important questions to ask yourself when pruning your list: Where do you stand on inviting guests to bring a date? And, are kids invited? There’s no right answer for either. While it’s certainly a gracious gesture to offer a date slot to every guest, some couples simply offer a plus-one to every guest who’s living with, engaged to or married to a partner; others will consider guests who are in a committed relationship but not yet engaged.

On the subject of children, think about the type of event you’re planning. Are you throwing a mid-afternoon family-oriented party? Is it a formal, later-in-the-day affair where children would be out of place (not to mention sleepy)? What’s important to you? Whatever your criteria, the experts all agree on one thing: Establish a rule, then stand by it firmly. “You have to really be clear and not be inconsistent in your policy,” says Paul. If you waver (making an exception for cousin Lisa, for example),  “People can get a little bit resentful, and it can affect the mood of the event,” Paul says. If you end up having to explain your logic, be gracious but firm in your language. Jablonowski recommends that someone other than you—a planner or a parent—handle such a conversation. “It puts the bride in the position of looking like a witch,” she says.

Regardless of the form of communication you choose, strive to “be gentle, supporting and loving with your guests,” says Jablonowski. And remember to “handle it with grace. You want to have a long relationship with this person past this wedding.” And nab a decent gift.

*Name has been changed to protect the wedding-drama afflicted.