There’s probably a reason that tickets for The Who’s show at the Borgata Event Center on Halloween are still up for grabs. There’s a chance it’s because people just aren’t digging them like they used to, but it’s probably more likely that they just can’t afford them. The tickets, which went on sale this past Saturday, start at $97 and work their way up to $325.

But for the more frugal among you — i.e. those who have been bitten in the ass by the current economy — there’s always their October 26th show at the Wachovia Center (which goes on sale this Saturday, July 26th, at 10:00 a.m.), with tickets starting at a more doable $52.

Everyone’s favorite back taxes-paying, pot-“possessing”, Pippy Longstocking-impersonating guru of all things mellow and awesome, Willie Nelson, is coming to the House of Blues Atlantic City on Saturday, September 27th. Tickets go on sale this Saturday, July 26th, at 10 a.m., ranging from $44.50 to $107.00. Tickets for his September 26th show at the Tower, which we alerted you to last week, are also still available.

Terrence Howard is … well, singing, apparently. Who saw that one coming? I certainly did not. Anyway, the Oscar-nominated actor comes to Philly Theater of the Living Arts Saturday, August 23rd. Tickets go on sale this Friday, July 25th, at 12:00 p.m.

In this day and age, we’re all about simultaneous stimulation. Working out now involves watching television and listening to music. Sleeping involves improving the curvature of your back while subconsciously learning Spanish. Twinkies are now fried and dipped in chocolate. So, I suppose it’s only natural that the music of Tchaikovsky (pictured here; looks like a friendly guy) should be paired with fireworks. This evening at 8 p.m. over at the Mann, the Philadelphia Orchestra plays some of Tchaikovsky’s most well-known works (including the 1812 Overture and excerpts from The Nutcracker) with fireworks going off overhead. $10 to $50.

The last time I pretended to know something about wine, people just laughed. But apparently it is possible for you to stick your nose in a glass of wine and actually know what you’re talking about. This evening at the Wine School of Philadelphia, a straight-up brawl is going down with the Sommelier Smackdown as wine connoisseurs go head to head to test their knowledge of wine pairings. The two contestants, an instructor and a local restaurant sommelier, are given identical menus and purchase wines from local retailers that best match each dish.

What’s better than listening to stories? Well, apart from watching television, I’d say that listening to real-life stories from ordinary people that may or may not be terribly embarrassing to them and then judging them on a ten-point scale would probably top it. Tonight at L’Etage’s First Person Arts’ Story Slams, ten names will be drawn from a hat and the performers will come to the stage and spend five minutes telling a story. If that’s not enough for you, the theme for the stories this month is “Caught.” Personally, I’m hoping for both discovered affairs and bear-trap mishaps. Doors at 7:30 p.m., slam begins at 8:30. $5 to $10; 21 and over.

I sure hope that the talent on stage at the National Lampoon Comedy House, opening this Friday at Dave & Buster’s, is funnier than the club’s owner, Marty Fischer (pictured, looking a bit like Larry Flynt’s mentally challenged twin brother). Last weekend, Fischer took to the airwaves on the Joey Reynolds Show on 710 WOR in New York (the same station that broadcasts Bill O’Reilly and Dennis Miller) to chat about an item of mine in which I took some relatively mild digs at the club. Fischer’s on-air “routine” was indicative of the brand of old, crusty, ba-dum-bum humor that gives stand up a bad name. Here’s what he had to say:

• “I got a call this week from Victor Fillione, a writer for the Philadelfier Magazine, and I should have known something was wrong with this man when he called me collect.”

• “Very nice what you did — you should go kill yourself.”

• “This Victor wrote this article, probably with a crayon. They don’t leave him with sharp instruments.”

• “The man needs a life. He’s to journalism what Danny Aiello is to brain surgery, or what Mike Tyson is to ballet.”

• As Marty must have used up all his A-material, his friend chimed in: “After the show in Philadelphia, Marty’s gonna lead a lynching party for Victor.”

• And finally, concluding this AM laughfest, host Joey Reynolds added, “The best thing to come out of South Philly is the northbound train.”

With an average high this weekend of something like 184 degrees, it’s imperative that you be comfortable while not sacrificing entertainment value. Here are a few ways to achieve both ends …

Use the theater’s A.C. … Movies are always a good bet when our city is overtaken by the 3 H’s. Sure, you could try to get into the Dark Knight, but it’s selling out all over the place — including the entire weekend’s run at the Franklin Institute’s IMAX, the absolute best place you could see it — so a few less populist options for you: The Colonial gets its Rocky Horror on on Saturday night (though I am appalled that you are not allowed to bring in your own props — they make you buy prop bags) and the Jersey ode Clerks on Sunday. Been hearing good things about French thriller Tell No One and Herzog’s Encounters at the End of the World. Did not like the Hunter S. Thompson documentary, Gonzo. At all. And don’t forget the Philadelphia International Gay & Lesbian Film Festival, which wraps up on Tuesday.

Immerse yourself … If you think water parks are just for the kids, you need to get over to Hershey’s awesome Boardwalk, which opened last year (plans for an expansion, called the Boardwalk “Sea”quel, are in the works). Yes, there are plenty of low-impact ways for the kids to get wet, but there are also aggressive water rides for those thrill-seekers among you, like the Coastline Plunge, Canyon River Rapids, and Tidal Force. But none of these are quite as heart-attack inducing as Hershey’s brand-new Fahrenheit roller coaster, with its 97-degree negative drop. If that sounds bad to you, it’s because it is. Here’s a front-seat ride video.

Downashore … It’s true that the Shore is only going to be a few degrees cooler than Philly this weekend, but when you’re talking about the difference between 89 and 95 degrees, that difference can be all that matters. Ocean City does its Night In Venice boat parade on Saturday, with Flyers legend Bernie Parent as grand marshal. Boardwalk Hall presents Elton John on Saturday. Al Green’s at the House of Blues on Sunday. And how could I leave out Sunday’s birthday party in Margate for everyone’s favorite six-story elephant, Lucy, who has a totally annoying website.

And for the heat-loving masochists … Learn how to cook over an open hearth at Historic Cold Spring Village’s 19th-century cooking demonstrations. There’s something horrible-sounding called the “Ben Franklin Bridge Climb”. And finally, sure, it sponsors Back On My Feet, but a 24-hour race? I think I’ll pop open an ice cold one and send ‘em a check.

If you want to avoid the scalpers and Craigslist scams, consult this handy guide to the shows soon to go on sale …

To see The Who perform in the relatively intimate (2,400 seat) Borgata Event Center, set your alarm for this Saturday at 10 a.m. when tickets for their Halloween (it’s a Friday!) show become available. You might also want to check your credit limit, since seats start at $97 and proceed up to $325. With a basic room in the Water Club going for around $500, it could be an expensive weekend, so choose your date carefully. (I vote for the Naughty Nurse costume, but that’s just me.)

And on the other end of the adrenaline dial, 75-year-old friend of the IRS Willie Nelson comes to the Tower on September 26th. Now that is a show that I wouldn’t want to miss. $49-$59. On sale Friday, 10 a.m.

You’ve probably gotten smashed with the help of his Daily News beer column. Now you can meet the man behind all the suds talk. In the early hours of the evening, a.k.a. 7 p.m., Joe Sixpack, a.k.a. Don Russell, will discuss his favorite libation and sign copies of his book at the Free Library. For those of you more interested in drinking the booze than reading about it, you can become drinking buddies with Mr. Sixpack by imbibing a sampler of his favorites at McGillin’s Olde Ale House at 9 p.m.

And briefly noted, the Bryn Mawr Film Institute continues its Hollywood Summer Nights Series tonight
with a stunning 1950 film noir gem, John Huston’s Asphalt Jungle. It’s a brilliant tale of jewel thieves and backstabbing … 7:30 p.m.

Though the Borgata has certainly fired up the comedy scene in the last few years (look for Brad Garrett, Chris Rock, and, um, Andrew Dice Clay in the coming weeks), in Philadelphia proper, going out to see stand-up just isn’t something that ranks too high on most of our lists. So it will be interesting to see what happens once National Lampoon Comedy House opens next Friday night inside of, yawn, Dave & Buster’s, especially considering that the lackluster opening lineup they are pushing includes such small-timers as RC Smith, Jay Black, and the “Legendary” Wid. If this all sounds like a whole lot of fun to you, or if you are an aspiring comedian looking for a gig, show up at the Clothespin statue (15th and Market) on Tuesday between 11:30 a.m. and 1:30 p.m. for the club’s “Give Us Your Best Joke” open-mic event. You could win dinner with Jackie “The Joke Man” Martling (formerly of the Howard Stern Show). No, I’m not joking.

I can’t afford to make it to the Mamma Mia! opening night at the Academy of Music this evening at 7:30. Now, that’s not to say that it’s not a good deal, with tickets ranging from $28 to $100. It’s just that my meager (read: nonexistent) intern salary doesn’t allow for internationally renowned Broadway shows that I couldn’t care less about. I’d rather spend the money on, oh, you know, Ramen and tuna. But for those of you with the green, and I know that you’re out there, this is the best — albeit only — show you’ll ever see that combines ABBA’s greatest hits with a lovely tale of “love, laughter and friendship.” Also, even if you miss it tonight, there’s no reason to fret, because all that ABBA-y goodness continues through July 27th.

But if you’re feeling more pimped-out weedhead than Broadwayed-out discoSwede, there’s always the rather odd pairing of the iconic Snoop Dogg with 311 (who will almost certainly be playing that ubiquitous radio darling “Down” that topped the charts, like, 10 years ago or something) at Penn’s Landing. Tickets are $49.50 for general admission, which seems like a bit much, cash-strapped or not. Word is that Snoop will hit the questionable but still well populated G Lounge tonight after the 7 p.m. show. — Jordan Hickey

LIVE MUSIC, OUTDOORS … Who would have thought that the pairing of Robert Plant and Alison Krauss would be so damn good? Producer T. Bone Burnett, that’s who. He makes a special guest appearance with the strange duo Saturday night at the Mann. There are a handful of good seats still available, including several in Orchestra A Center, so get on it … Meanwhile, WXPN’s XPoNential Music Festival kicked off Thursday in Camden’s Wiggins Park with the Blind Boys of Alabama. If you’re into that whole earnest ’XPN thing, there are a few dozen acts through Sunday that you should find pleasing, plus a stage dedicated to the kids … If you do head to Camden on Saturday for XPoNential, do not be afraid of the swarms of scary-looking tinnitus-stricken people descending on the Susquehanna Bank Center. They’re just going to hear a little “Shout At the Devil” and “Wild Side” at CrueFest.

LIVE MUSIC, INDOORS … Hmm. Lots of questionable shows this weekend. Kenny G. Daryl Hall without his Oates. Creedence Clearwater Revisited. Your safest bets: Tony Bennett at Caesars. The English Beat, The Fixx, and The Alarm at HOB (oh, shit, that was just cancelled … hmm…). Philly drummer extraordinaire Webb Thomas’s Superband at Chris‘. And, though it’s not actually the weekend, we need something truly impressive, so it’s the Eagles at Wachovia Center on Monday.

GET BLOBBED … Leave it to the people in Phoenixville to come up with a three-day festival feting the sci-fi “classic” The Blob, filmed in Chester County 50 years ago. There’s a reenactment of the running-out scene at the Colonial Theatre, the same place the original running out scene was shot; there are screenings of the Blob and other C-movies of the genre; and, of course, they’ve got a fire extinguisher parade. For a primer on all things Blob, read my riveting interview with that indescribable, indestructible monster from outer space.

MAMA DON’T TAKE MY KODACHROME AWAY … Two cool photography shows to talk about. First, there’s the exhibit of photos from graduates of Yale’s MFA in Photography program, Friday at Gallery 339. Get there early (5:30 p.m.) for a tour by the artists. And if you need something more lowbrow, check out the show at Amble Gallery, featuring pics taken at one of our favorite dive bars, Bob & Barbara’s. You missed the opening reception on Thursday, which featured Bob & Barbara’s famous Pabst and Jim Beam combo “Special,” but the show runs through August 3rd, so you have plenty of time to do some drinking and get in there.

DON’T FORGET THE KIDS … For those wretched little beasts, Saturday’s Peanut Butter and Jams at World Cafe Live brings in Uncle Rock, which was the nickname of the drug dealer that used to live down the street from me when I lived in the Graduate Hospital area. For realz. Sunday, your preschool-aged budding Picasso can join a free kid-focused tour of the Art Museum.

AND THE WINNER OF THE WEEKEND’S BEST VALUE AWARD … Sunday night. The Camden Riversharks. Family of four gets in for $32, which includes free ice cream, autographs, and fireworks. Enjoy.

If you want to avoid the scalpers and Craigslist scams, consult this handy guide to the shows soon to go on sale …

Note: All shows go on sale this Saturday at 10 a.m.

If you’re not able to make his performance tonight at the Susquehanna Bank Center (there are still very good seats available), John Mayer, the tattooed, multi-talented singer who has lately been keeping the company of Miss Jennifer Aniston (have they come up with a cutesy combined name for them yet, a la Bennifer/Brangelina?) checks into the Borgata on August 24th. $81 and $96.

Someone must still like the Indigo Girls. If you’re in that sociological subset, see them when they strum and whine at the House of Blues in AC on September 25th. $32 and $49.

And cleaning up all that earnest, folky mess at the HOB is the amazingly still truckin’ diabetic blues legend known as B.B. King. November 29th. $46 and $118.